Americans across the country are currently filling out their 2010 Census forms, however, most people probably don’t realize that there is another equally important census form that needs to be filled out: The Claxton Census. This census needs to be completed by all single men living in the United States between the ages of 40 and 70.

Here is a copy of the Claxton Census, which can be printed, filled out and mailed in. All answers will be kept confidential.

If you don’t fill out a form, you may find a large, irate woman knocking on your door.

Name:
Age:
Telephone number:

1. Where do you live?
__I own my own mansion with a built in pool.
__I rent my own luxury apartment.
__I live in a ramshackle cabin in the woods with no indoor plumbing.
__I live in my mother’s basement.

2. What is your occupation?
__I’m business tycoon.
__Male underwear model.
__I volunteer in a slaughter house.
__Unemployed and living with my mother.

3. What is your status?
__Widowed after my five wives mysteriously took ill and died.
__Divorced because I have a sex addiction.
__Single because I’ve been searching all my life for a tall, full figured woman who’s intelligent and has a great sense of humor.
__Single, and living with my mother.

4. When you go out in public, what do people say about you?
__Aren’t you Tom Selleck?
__I thought Ted Kaczinski was still in prison?
__I didn’t know ZZ Top had a concert in town?
__Get the camera, I think I just saw Big Foot?

5. What is your yearly income?
__$80,000 or more.
__$40,000-$50,000.
__Whatever I make from selling blood.
__Whatever tips I make as a Chippendale dancer.
__My mother gives me an allowance.

6. What kind of woman are your looking for?
__A Playboy Bunny clone.
__A strong, independent woman.
__A woman that doesn’t speak English.
__All women scare me.
__A woman just like my mother.

Men, please fill out the census and return it as soon as possible.