Speaking to students at the University of Michigan, President Obama introduced a plan to make the U.S. economy simpler, easier to use, and less hostage to the specialists who thrive on the “unnecessary complication of the U.S. economic system.”
One notable point in his speech brought applause:
“For too long Americans have been unable to understand their own economy, leaving it to economists, bankers, and stockbrokers to explain how the economy works and then demand payment for the explanation. I promise in three years time we will have a more simple economy which the average American can understand.”
The President’s economic simplification team, made up of six top elementary school teachers, proposed banning variable interest rate loans and putting the U.S. currency on the metric system. The school teacher team also recommended printing different money denominations with different colors. The team also proposed increasing the size of bills larger than ten dollars to 12 by 6 inches.
“Bigger, colored money will give merchants a better look at what they are doing and make counting easier.” said Heidi Goodely of the school teacher team.
Chief White House Economist Larry Summers offered a dissenting view.
“Let’s just go British. Make twelve cents equal a dollar, create a three dollar bill equal to thirty six cents, and print a twenty-seven dollar bill that goes the whole nine yards.” Dr Summers wrote in an e-mail that he sent to the President, his staff, 4420 economists, 214 newspaper editors, 82 world finance ministers, and a group of news-starved astronauts on the space shuttle.
Heidi Goodely responded with her own e-mail: “Metric money free us from the size of smelly feet from a stuffy rainy island.”
Meanwhile, a group of economic reformists consisting of Quakers and “interested “ liberal arts majors, who are “waiting” for the economy to “pick up” proposed holding markets in “equilibrium” between 5 PM and 8 AM Eastern time.
The proposal is said to be a compromise between the teacher advisory group who wanted “supply and demand to just be one thing” and White House economists who admitted, under intense questioning by the President himself, that supply and demand are equal: “when there is equilibrium.”
Todd Racher explained the compromise to reporters:
“Our plan allows Americans to tuck themselves into bed each night knowing that a price has been found to put the markets into a peaceful state of rest. Jolts to the economic system would only be allowed after everybody gets themselves a morning cup of coffee.”
“The happy hope statements of this proposal is utterly devoid of real world content on how markets operate “declared the e-mail which Larry Summers sent to himself and Vice President Joe Biden.
The teacher group tried to agree:“Reading all those economy books have just made those MBA’s too swap crazy. But you can’t swap your education for your money back. All we just want is for Mr. Supply to kiss and make up with Mrs. demand before dinner time.”
The teacher e-mail initiated a flurry of back and forth e-mails which were recorded by an astute internet computer and posted on sixty websites:
Reformers:“Aren’t there some sort of sensors to determine if markets are in equilibrium?”
Summers:“How can someone who is unemployed think you can just order supply to equal demand?”
Reformers: “Can’t we get the equilibrium price right after a whole 8 hour day?”
Summers: “How long did it take for you realize that your market wage was zero?”
News starved space shuttle Astronaut: “Dr. Summers, in a zero gravity economy will my wage float up over time or will it also be zero?”
French Finance Minister: “Enhancing the color of money will increase artistic awareness of the world of finance. Americans can also benefit from my IMF proposal to introduce designer money. For example, Dr. Bernanke’s signature can be on the 1,000 dollar bill, no? And Dr Summers on the ten. No.”
Summers: “I agree, no.”
Vice President Biden: “Come guys what’s wrong with signing a couple dollar bills. I like designer money. I get the nickel and dime. Show me how to put pen to metal and I’ll sign every working person’s hard saved coins.”
Larry Summers: “I say eliminate tinted money ideas and nighttime fairytales about markets being in equilibrium.”
The President: “OK guys, I see we have alt of work to do.”
Astronaut: “Sir, Mr. President, why is floating around in zero gravity considered serious enough work to receive a living wage? “