World leaders breathed a sigh of relief over the near miss which occurred this past spring but cautioned, that next time, the world may not be so lucky. That is, one week after President Obama’s nuclear proliferation summit packed 49 world leaders into the inner nucleus of Washington D.C.’s conference center; eruption of Iceland’s dangerously named volcano grounded thousands of air flight’s and vocal chords throughout Europe and North America.
Ash proliferation engineers say that, had the eruption occurred only days earlier, world leaders would have been left stranded inside Washington D.C. conference rooms, exposed to endless nuclear PowerPoint slides, and stuck desperately trying to prevent the further spread of nuclear arms discussions and proliferation of ethical posturing.
Congressman Thadeiuss Maxigrandon, the third, of Mississippi, who serves on the House intelligence committee, issued the following “public” statement to his aide:
“This near miss clearly shows us how important it is to secure the world’s volcanoes, vents, and potentially active fissures.”
The Mississippi Congressman then called on the President to do “something” about proliferation of the world’s most vulnerable volcanoes.
In response the President issued a ten point, eruption prevention plan to: “prevent loose ash, stray magma, and vulnerable volcanic vents from falling into the wrong hands and jet engines.”
White House Press Secretary Robert Gibbs said that the plans would first “jam and entangle” terrorist volcano-information networks, worldwide, by giving every volcano, on and below the surface of the earth, an eight syllable Icelandic name. According to Mr. Gibbs, this act would lead terrorists to seek more pronounce-able weapons of ash destruction.
According to leaks from unnamed Congressional sources, the President’s also plans to fund development of a new class of Air Force fighter balloons, which would have the ability to float — through ash clouds — to any target destination on earth, within sixty days, and be able to drop pick-axes, rock-hammers, and red fire-ants on unsuspecting terrorists.
According to leaks from unnamed Green Peace activists the plan also will create an elite network of volcanoes and coordinate their eruption schedules to slow global warming.
Supporters say that other points of the anti-eruption and proliferation plan will emerge once the names of “appointed White House leakers” can be scrubbed from public view or, equivalently, translated into the Icelandic language.
The Ash Fallout Continues
Since the President’s volcanic proliferation announcement, calls have inundated UN hotlines from people claiming to have spotted terrorist suspects — and billowing dust plumes — on the slopes of active volcanoes and dormant ash-heaps.
Indonesia’s Minister of Craters and Eruptions, Dr. Megawati Subupak, summed up the public sentiment in his country:
“Our office has been inundated with calls, and shouts, from people who claim to have seen Al Qaeda operatives scouting out their local volcanic cone. We are even getting calls from fisherman who have never seen a volcano in their life, but swear that terrorist snorkelers are diving into undersea vents near their favorite coral reef and generating suspicious looking bubbles.”
The minister then explained why volcanic terrorist fears were rising:
“This is what you get when the world overdoses on TV News every time our sacred mother earth passes a little natural gas”.
As if to confirm the Indonesian Minister’s view, CNN reported that thousands of Pakistani’s, living in that country’s Northern States and Eastern Stans, have called in to report smoke and ash rising from their local mountain peaks.
Pakistan’s Minister of Mining, Metals, and Mountains, a Dr. Giles Ali Pakasub, told reporters.
“Since Iceland’s eruption isolated England for the first time in three hundred years, people in Pakistan have just gone… plume crazy.
In the Northern States there even is some silly proliferating rumor about an American plot to name their local mountain peak after an eight syllable glacier field in Iceland.“
Despite the rumors, the Presidents of Indonesia and Pakistan jointly announced plans to lock down all suspicious mountain peaks in their respective countries.
Meanwhile Congressman Maxigrandon urged President Obama to label the country of Guatemala a volcano proliferator and impose White House sanctions which would make illegal immigration from that Central American country “even more” illegal than before.
The President responded by inviting the Congressman to an anti-eruption conference in Washington D.C next February.
According to the President following the conference, leaders and their staff will acquire valuable experience by attempting to book commercial flights home, as airports across Europe and North America close for Marti Gras and ash-Wednesday.