A friend of mine in corporate America told me that her company is scaling back in this recessionary time by eliminating flavored creamers for the coffee in the break room. I didn’t realize that the fiscal well being of a company could be ruined by the reckless purchase of liquid Café Mocha Amaretto Coffee-mate. My friend reports that the staff is waving their Six Sigma training mugs in protest, with a moral outrage matching the intensity of the French Revolution peasantry.
The banning of the flavored creamers got me thinking about other things that should be illegal in America. By the criminalization of the following, we will be transformed into a dignified and austere citizenry, free from the humiliating shackles of silly flavorings and other beverage-related faux pas:
1) Flavored coffees: It should be obvious from the text above that, in addition to flavored creamers being banned, flavored coffees are also verboten. If you are the sort of person who needs to add caramel to his
coffee, just be honest with yourself and drive to Dairy Queen for a sundae instead. And to all you high-maintenance types ordering “half-caf, half-
regular, with a shot of white-chocolate syrup,” report to your reeducation camp immediately.
2) The Starbucks cup sizing system: You knew this one was coming. When I go to Starbucks, I ask for my *unflavored* coffee in a “short” cup that
holds eight ounces. As eight ounces is the liquid measure of one cup, the short is literally the one true cup of coffee that Starbucks offers. But this size is classified information, not to be listed publicly on the menu. If the barista is new, he has no idea what I am talking about and tells me that the smallest is the tall size, a through-the-looking-glass type of logic. Especially snarky and jaded Starbucks employees loudly announce the short cup order as a “child’s cup of coffee.” Now tell me, what child is drinking a cup of Columbia Supremo coffee? Maybe one indoctrinated into a
rebel army who also smokes Cohibas, but it’s unlikely this child would be in the vicinity of a Starbucks.
3) Seasonally-appropriate alcoholic beverages: Let’s move on from coffee to booze. Coffee is a drink for all times and seasons, but not so with spirits, which have their specific months and settings. Brandy is a cold-weather libation to be consumed from a flask during a football game played in sub-zero temperatures or from the barrel offered by the ski rescue team’s St. Bernard after you have fallen off the chair lift. Gin and tonics are to be enjoyed at a summer cocktail party in East Hampton with people wearing linen, or in the late afternoon on the beach, while you are reading your book and ignoring the cries of your children caught in the ocean’s undertow.
4) Age-appropriate alcoholic beverages: If you are 21 or older, you should not be drinking a wine cooler. This is a training beverage specifically invented for underage alcohol consumption, designated for distribution at popular kids’ house parties and senior prom limos. If you are over 30, you should refrain from ordering any drink that mixes multiple alcohols and juices and is named after a sex act or body part, or smells like suntan lotion. Steer clear of umbrellas, whipped cream, and skewered fruit in your drink, unless you are on a Caribbean beach or consuming ironically at a Tiki-themed retro party.
An update on the corporate flavored-creamer ban situation: Turns out that the CEO outlawed the expense of flavored creamers so that he could add his
own personal chauffeur to the payroll. As this chauffeur is a gregarious sort who hangs out in the office chatting up the employees, his identity and
source-of-pay from the former flavored-creamer budget were soon discovered. Angry workers duct taped together the driver and CEO in the break room and
doused them with tepid, stale coffee – a contraband mocha-fudge blend. The attackers were fired and their wages diverted to purchasing the reinstated