So what the fudge packets is up with all this swine flu stuff these days? I mean, it’s pretty scary, I’ll admit. Turning into a PIG!?!?!? That’s sure not something I want to put on my job resume. I mean we’re in an economic recession and I hear all of this hubbub on the TV (television) about turning into a stupid PIG!

So I says to myself, “How am I going to get a job if I turn into a pig?” Well, I did some research and there actually is some pretty neat stuff you can do in America if you do in fact become a pig and I took the sweet precious time out of my day to make a list of pig-related job opportunities if some of you are unfortunate enough to turn into a swine (e.g. pig):

1. You could be a pig – I know it doesn’t sound like the bee’s knees, but pigs actually do a lot of cool stuff these days. They have actually trained pigs to pay people’s taxes, not even joking. Pigs also get the wholesome opportunity to roll around in feces, eat feces, and do tons of cool feces-related activities. They are also regarded as very social and intelligent animals, so you could write a novel or go to a party or something cool like that. Now, I know being a pig doesn’t pay too well, but you get tasty meals consisting of sludge and corn products and a nice dirty pen before you are brutally slaughtered to make bacon, and bacon is important because it is delicious.

2. You could give birth to another Hogzilla – That’s right, you can make history!! Remember that giant pig in 2004 that the little kid killed? It weighed like 1,000 pounds!!! Well, they DNA tested that thing and found out that it was a cross between a regular pig and wild boar. So, okay, listen closely because you might not remember this if you become a pig since your human brain will turn into a pig brain and you might forget some stuff from the human-pig transformation. Okay, if you become a pig, you have to find a BIG wild boar babe (or boar dude if you are a girl pig) and you need to pork it (no pig pun intended). Then, you will hopefully have a pretty big baby pig and you need to feed it TONS of sluge, corn, tacos, burritos, other pigs, quesadillas, WHATEVER IT WILL EAT. Then it will hopefully grow into a super pig and some dumb kid will kill it and get on the news and everyone (well, not everyone, but maybe some high-ranking members of the pig community) will know that you helped create the new Hogzilla!!! Your parents will be so proud of you!

3. You could become a famous pig – For this, you will have to have some pretty good contacts and maybe some recommendation letters from a few farmers. But think of all the famous pigs in society: Babe from the movie Babe, that pig from Charlottes web, that pig from Winnie the Pooh, those evil pigs from Animal Farm…those pigs are all FAMOUS. I bet most of you reading this right now can’t even get famous as a human. And being famous is COOL! The wealth, the beautiful women, the fancy cars, the big houses…you’ll be livin’ the good life, only as a pig.

Man, I bet you guys aren’t even scared of turning into pigs anymore. You’re like, “Man, being a pig would be so cool, sign me up!” Well, I can’t because there really is no pig sign-up sheet and, well, I don’t really know how that would even work at all so all of you that asked that are just morons.

But, yah, if you turn into a pig you’re going to need to find this list and you may not be able to pick it up if you’re a pig because you will not have opposable thumbs, so just print it out and keep it in a safe place where most pigs would be able to get to it (maybe in your local pig pen??)

So be safe, everyone, and be extra nice to pigs, because you never know what pigs are actually humans suffering from swine flu.