Real life experiences every female boomer can (or will) relate to.
DAY ONE: 5:30 AM and finally he’s out of bed and getting ready for work. That leaves me the entire bed for sprawling! Now that I’ve spent the night listening to him snore, maybe my nightly Tylenol PM & Nyquil cocktail will kick in. Let’s see, which of my leg flinging positions might minimize my restless leg syndrome?
Okay, that didn’t work, so maybe I should concentrate on getting the comforter over just the right part of my body. That’s an art in itself; allowing the fan to cool the top half so I can avoid the night sweats while keeping my legs warm to camouflage the RLS. Okay, that’s much better.
Without my little “neck pillow” this position hurts my spine, so I need to reposition the bigger pillows so that the arm underneath doesn’t fall asleep – I hate waking up and having to bang my arm on the nightstand to wake it up! Oh gosh….there’s something going on with my stomach; must have been too much garlic, and that Pepto smoothie that accompanied my dinner should have been more potent.
Okay, much better now. I’m definitely glad I’m the only one under these covers!! I’m so comfortable, no noise, the room is dark, the bed is all mine and I can finally get some sleep. Damn it; now I have to pee!
DAY TWO: I was quite the dancer years ago. I still love music and have the urge to dance, but my body and mind disagree on everything from appropriate footwear and the type of music to the duration of my dance! If I dance with my husband, our new body form keeps us from dancing as close as we once did. I prefer to dance alone when no one is home so I can fantasize that I still look as good as I ever did. These days we have fewer mirrors in the house, so there’s no image to dispute my fantasy.
I also enjoyed a few alcoholic beverages before menopause. Now, if I have even a single glass of wine or a small serving of Amaretto, my face turns red, the sweats start, I begin disrobing and I lose even more of my graceful coordination. If there was ever a justification for legalizing marijuana, it should be for Boomers. Since alcohol has become less appealing for menopausal women, diabetic men, and a whole host of other ailments we’re being introduced to, wouldn’t an occasional doobie help us to enjoy “our golden years”? It would sure help with that “good dancer” fantasy of mine.
Since legalization is not likely, I’ll stick to a drink or two and pray my out-of-shape, uncoordinated, partially dressed, “dancing queen” image never shows up on You-Tube or anywhere else where my grandchildren might see it!
DAY THREE: I can’t remember the last time I attended a really elegant affair. My concern used to be “What will I wear?”. Now it’s whether or not there’s going to be a photographer who is going to catch a profile shot, and even worse, publish it where all can see. The altered body image is much easier for me to handle than “the gravitating jowls and the disappearing lip act”.
The advance preparation for the event used to actually be more fun that the actual event. I used to love pampering myself while enjoying some great music, and trying different outfits and hairstyles in anticipation of feeling “pretty, oh so pretty”. The advance preparation these days means carefully removing all chin hair and finding any pair of shoes that don’t look like “nun-shoes” but won’t need to be removed after one hour’s wear. Forget the strapless gown and go for lots of fabric coverage so the body-shaper undergarments won’t be apparent. A clutch purse? I think not. Just in case I have a small accident, how will I fit an extra pair of skivvies in a CLUTCH PURSE!?!?! The make-up definitely needs to include a cover-up for the age spots. Some of that “permanent make-up” would certainly go a long way to make me look like I still have lips.
Okay, as soon as I do a last minute check of my husband’s nose and ear hair, attempt to cover up that increasingly large bald spot and make sure the socks and shoes on both his feet match, we’ll be out the door. Oh ya, it’s June and I don’t know if I’ll be hot or cold, so help me find that gorgeous mink coat with the detachable sleeves.