Few things in life plunge me head-first into stress-induced madness quicker than my squawking parrot and my fighting teenagers. Because of this, I’m in the market for a couple of “Eject” buttons; you know, the kind pilots use in military aircraft when they’ve exhausted all other possibilities and they are forced to abort their mission?

To solve all my problems, I would need two of these convenient little gadgets; one for the family van and one for the bird cage.

Since my teens seem to go for blood mostly while I’m driving, an eject button would prove most valuable. When tempers flare and the name-calling begins, I could call out “Abort! Abort!” launching the kid of my choice up and out of the trouble zone where he or she will await pick up at a (much) later time.

The other element of annoyance that can instantly turn my home into a pressure cooker is, as mentioned, my parrot, Salvador.

I’ve spent 17 painful years with this creature, and without an eject button, one of us has got to go – tail feathers first! As I see it, he owes me big time for all the peace and quiet and active brain cells he’s stolen over the years.

Don’t get me wrong – he’s a beautiful animal sporting a tropical look in vibrant shades of green, yellow, red and blue. However, I’ve always considered him most majestic with wings outstretched in flight against an azure blue sky, effortlessly soaring …away!

He’s a Double Yellow-Headed Amazon parrot, and that’s exactly where he belongs – the Amazon! Just my luck, I would probably still hear him screaming from the tree tops if he ever ventured that far from home.

So, it’s no wonder I’ve sunk to this desperation. With the chaos of quarreling kids coupled with the bird who sings like Ethel Merman on steroids, who could blame me for wanting my very own eject button? How else could I possibly escape the intense noise pollution when they all cut loose in tandem, yet still remain within moral Christian boundaries?

By simply pressing a button that would safely jettison them all out of my radar – just for a little while, they could return to a composed, loving and patient mother ready to take on all they have to dish out.

Now, I just have to find a composed, loving and patient mother.