When I saw the return address I cringed. It was my reminder to make my appointment for my annual well woman exam, only this year was going to be different. I am now 25 years old with 25 years of experience.
When did I go from worrying about four letter words to five letter words? Raising my children, I was always conscious about their fascination with their body parts and the functions those parts were able to produce; now I am faced with the responsibility of making sure my body functions continue to work. We all know the childish laughter produced by a bout of flatulence or its 4 letter equivalent, now at 25 years old with 25 years of experience I need to worry about new five letter words; fiber and colon.
Fifty is a new five letter word for me. Aging, teeth (keeping them), and flash (as in hot flash) relatively new five letters words for me. Heart, not the proverbial broken heart but now heart health and the blood supply pumping to it. Cream – moisturizing, eye, wrinkle, anti-aging, dry skin, foot, SPF and, should I dare to mention, hemorrhoid.
If fifty is the new forty, so be it. I will grow my red locks long to please my husband while my hairdresser informs me she is monitoring my hair loss each visit. I will stand erect, another five letter word, and I am not referring to my husband, during my annual mammogram. If I experience a flash and happen to wipe my face with a napkin that leaves particles of its recycled paper in the wrinkles of my face, I will handle that with grace.
It is good to be Queen, but when did I go from princess status to Queen? Princess implies no other worries than my tiara staying in position. Queen connotes age, sleep depravation, corsets or Spanx and not the kind given as a punishment, but the kind woman use as undergarments to reposition all the cellulite in one place, so we can wear the dress we wore last summer.
I will think of my goals while I undergo that dreaded colonoscopy and hope I remember to not use the glitter soap that morning while showering. On the bright side, being empty may aid in the dreaded weight loss battle. Thank God Marilyn Monroe was a size fourteen.
The day after, I plan on picking up my 4 year old granddaughter, whose innocence and wonderful whimsical talent is to make bubbles in the bathtub without the aid of Mr. Bubble, and we will do my favorite 5 letter word, laugh.