It woke me up in the middle of the night causing me to search frantically for the source of the foulness before I realized it was me. Not wanting to suffer the same shock and awe again, I decided to fix the problem. I’m grateful for eMedicineHealth.com. Now I can carefully watch what I eat to determine what causes the sheets to riffle and my eyes to water.

Of course reading about flatulence can be as confusing as trying to figure which food causes it. I found the list of the five thousand foods that I need to avoid to reduce the severity of the condition and only identified one or two items I don’t swallow. Unfortunately the list did not include beets and okra which I would gladly give up. Lima beans however did make it and now I have found another excuse to not eat them. Take that mom.

It wasn’t all bad news. High protein (steak), fatty foods (steak), and rice (as in rice pilaf with a steak) do not cause gas. I can see where Adkins got his idea. He was simply trying to reduce his level of flatulence.

The internet also states there is an average number of passes per day (fourteen), and quantity (one to three pints), all adding to global warming, which melts the ice cap, which raises the sea level, which then allows my affliction to be noted by bubbles. Whose parents paid for a three hundred thousand dollar Ivy League degree for their kid to get a research grant in that particular statistic? I don’t want a job of counting the average number of farts per day per person of my own much less someone else’s silent but deadly – SBDs. I do seem to remember an ex-girlfriend that thought I was above average.

Being fully educated in the Art of Fart, I can now regulate my intake of starch, carbohydrates, and fiber. I can try not to swallow so much air, although it is free and very low in calories. I might quit chewing gum, sucking hard candy, and drinking carbonated beverages. I can also learn to belch like a sailor.

Of course the alternative is to take my act on the road as did the Frenchman Joseph Pugol. Pugol, it has been said could do ‘it’ at will and with different pitch, playing music for sell out crowds at the Moulin Rouge. My act however would probably be more in line of the flame thrower as it has more visual appeal.

At least either path should allow me to learn to love it or hate it or perhaps only date deaf women that can’t smell.