Pillow Wrinkles: Sleep long and hard in one position, and impressions of linen folds and embroidery will create a lovely debossed pattern upon your cheek or brow.

When I arose in the morning in my youth, I would stagger into the bathroom, note the Pillow Wrinkles, relieve myself, and by the time I stood back up to wash my hands and look in the mirror again, my skin would have relaxed back into its smooth, plump, line-free natural state.

I rarely get Pillow Wrinkles anymore. For one thing, it takes several continuous minutes of motionless sleep to carve them into one’s visage, and stationary moments in the bed of a woman in her mid-fifties are rare: Covers on. Hot. Sweat. Covers off. Cold. Covers back on. Trip to bathroom. Back to bed. Flop. Fret. Hot. Covers off … It’s a busy cycle of master bedroom sturm und drang and not particularly conducive to things like REM sleep and facial wrinkles.

But once in a blue moon I’ll collapse in bed at night and awaken in the morning in the same position, and in addition to my bones making alarming creaking noises as I rise, I will also sport a wrinkle the size of the Grand Canyon complete with the network of roads that surround it. I can relieve myself and look in the mirror, and it’s still there. I can take a shower and let the water run down my face, and it’s still there. I can slather my cheeks with enough costly moisturizer to re-animate an Egyptian mummy, and it’s still there. While putting on makeup I’ll need to use a trowel to fill it in. Then later around 2 p.m. when my skin finally releases itself back to its natural shape, I’ll sport a slab of foundation that looks like a flesh-colored relief map of Mesa Verde.

We live in the Tattoo Age, where the body is a billboard. Given that many of us are adverse to needles, pain, indelible ink, and spending any meaningful amount of time in tattoo parlors, I’ve decided that it’s time to use our extreme wrinklability to make bold and painless face statements about who we are and what we believe in.

To this end I’m offering a new bedding line under the name “”Pillow Wrinkle, Inc.”” which will feature pillowcases carrying embossed images such as your Zodiac sign, or messages like “”I Stop For Grandchildren”” or “”Satan’s Handmaiden.”” Included in each attractive pillowcase will be enough tranquilizers to bring down an African elephant in heat, which is the dosage necessary to keep your face on the pillow long enough to leave a mark.