I attended church today, and the mass was related to the “healing of the sick.” Which is how this article came to be, because I find it ironic that the very place that “heals the sick” can also cause you to get sick. While church is good for the soul , it’s not so kind to the body.

Take for instance the act of exchanging “the sign of peace”. During mass you hear the coughing and sneezing of your God-loving neighbors. After much praying to God that you don’t catch whatever it is that the people around you have, you reluctantly extend your hand to the person you deem least likely to inflict feverish, flu-like symptoms unto you. Short of coming to church in full chemical cleanup gear, or getting to church before mass begins to replace the holy water with anti-bacterial soap; the only thing left to do is a quick Michael Jackson dance move while pulling out a white glove and then extending your hand to your neighbor.

But as scary as “the sign of peace” is, there’s an even BIGGER danger lurking at church. This is where all the germs are multiplying faster than the Lord was able to multiply fish and bread on the mountain. What is this demon of disease, you ask? It’s the Wine Chalice!! Yes, Yes, I KNOW that they wipe it with a cloth after every person drinks from it- but did you see the size of the cloth? It’s as big as a Post-It-Note!! I’m not the only one that has this aversion to drinking from the chalice, it goes waaaaaaaaay back to when Jesus was alive. It’s how the apostle Doubting Thomas got his name.

Here’s what happened: Jesus was offering a drink from the cup and Thomas was already to be first in line. Let’s face it- after Jesus drank from the cup there was NO chance in “you know what” of getting sick . But right before Thomas gets to the cup, John the Baptist cuts in line! Since John’s job required him to get in and out of water ALL day long, it quadrupled his chances of getting a cold and passing it on to the next apostle in line. Saints Preserve Us!! So Thomas started having “doubts” about whether or not the wine was pure. His “doubts” were later confirmed when he saw Judas back-washing into the cup. This was enough to send poor Tom over the edge causing him to doubt everything for the rest of his life.

Don’t be a “Doubting Thomas” about miracles- they happen everyday. People walk out of church all germ infested but you see them come back the following week. Well…………..except for the poor soul who shook someone’s hand and now the mass “is being said in his memory”.