Through the years, I have said many nonsensical statements that, when taken out of context, might sound a bit ridiculous.
I have truly asked the following questions.
-Could you help me get the tomato paste off the ceiling?
-Can you wash our son in the shower because the baby just pooped in the bathtub?
-What do you mean, ‘We’re out of diapers?’”
Let me just say that if you are in a similar situation as that last one, never, ever ask the follow-up question. That follow-up question has been the basis for more divorces and injuries caused by using bottles of baby lotion as assault weapons than any other question on the planet.
For some bizarre reason, though, the follow-up question is usually asked: “Are you sure?”
That is a very bad question to ask when your baby is already in a precarious position being held by his or her ankles with his or her buttocks lifted in the air while the other parent searches frantically for a diaper substitute such as a bucket, mixing bowl or maxi-pad. If you ask, “Are you sure?” at this time, you run the very real risk of your baby being witness to a violent scene of unbelievable sarcasm and it may scar the little one for life.
Another useless question to ask is, “Are you listening?” If you have to ask, chances are; they are not.
When I was a child, I used to go to a church where the preacher would sprinkle his sermons with the question, “Are you listening?” Looking back, I so very much wished I would have possessed the chutzpah to stand up with my transistor radio glued to my ear and announce, “Hell, no, I’m not listening! I’m trying to get a Chargers score!” But even at that young age, I knew that the beating that would have resulted would have made the act so not worth it.
When dealing with my own children, I have learned various ways to get their attention. I have lived with virtually every video game system made and so I’ve learned a few tricks. The most effective ways to get them to look at you are to blow a referee’s whistle in one of their ears, make loud flatulent noises and/or set one of their feet on fire.
Although if my son was in the midst of a game of “Gears of War” and I set his foot on fire, he would probably still reply “Just a sec.”
I really hate being told “Just a sec.”
But today I read a statement in my newspaper that thrilled me no end. I would have never guessed in a million years that I would ever see this statement in a newspaper story and one off the wire at that. I know that I will spend the rest of my life trying to work this statement into a conversation because it is just that delightful and I know that once I tell you what it is; you will feel the same way.
“Obviously there aren’t enough turkeys to generate enough poop to power a nation.”
It’s a real story from The Associated Press. In Benson, Minnesota they are using turkey poop to generate power.
They have this 55-megawatt power plant there that burns about 500,000 tons of turkey litter a year and turns it into energy. “Poultry litter works as a fuel because it’s relatively dry, so it’s easy to burn compared with cow and hog manure, which are too wet and smell far worse.”
Well, if that doesn’t grab your attention; what will?
I think it should become the new slogan for the environmental movement. “Poop more to power the nation! What do we want? Poop! When do we want it? Now! Push it out, push it out, waaaaaaaaay out!”
I will just explain to my Homeowners Association that I am trying to help reduce my carbon footprint by keeping a flock of turkeys in my front yard.
And maybe a big plop of their by-product in my son’s lap will get his attention.
In a sec.