Responding to charges it was out of touch with real life, and useless as a terrorism-fighting tool, the Immigration and Naturalization Service has redesigned its citizenship exam* to help new Americans assimilate more easily and weed out those with evil intentions.

“Everyone knows that American culture is not a melting pot, but a salad bar,” said INS official Guadalupe Chen-Silverstein, “This new test is basically saying ‘hey, we need a better sneeze guard.'”

Do you consider yourself adequately naturalized or naturally challenged? Test yourself with some of the new questions below:

1) Which of the following is an official language of the United States?

a) English
b) Spanish
c) Spanglish
d) Ebonics
e) Pilates
f) “James Brown”

2) Identify and briefly describe the contributions of at least three of the following four influential Americans:

a) Joe Isuzu
b) Soprano
c) Ronald McDonald
d) Paula Abdul

3) To the best of your knowledge, please list the average purchase price of each of the following domestic items:

a) One quart of lactose-free milk
b) One loaf of whole wheat bread
c) One bucket of enriched, weapons-grade uranium

4) An American is only allowed to vote when which of the following conditions are met?

a) He or she is over 25
b) He or she has a driver’s license
c) All the contestants have finished singing

5) Complete the sentence: Trans fat is. . .

a) Good for you
b) Bad for you
c) An airline for obese people

6) In which of the following moments is it appropriate to make a racist or anti-Semitic remark?

a) On the radio
b) As you’re being arrested
c) During a political campaign
d) In front of your kids
e) All of the above

7) Hey, ummm, are you a terrorist?

8) What’s the maximum number of items allowed in a supermarket “express line”?

9) Please define “Mission Accomplished.” Now define it another way.

10) Name four television channels that come included in a basic, but not premium, cable package.

11) What’s the practical purpose of an “appetizer?”

12) What’s the difference between TiVo and a DVR?

13) No, really, are you a terrorist?

14) Name 12 things a cell phone can do besides send and receive phone calls.

15) Paper or plastic?

16) Is it kind or unkind to rewind?

17) In 50 words or less, please fix our healthcare system.

Once the applicant has passed the test, he or she is given all the necessary tools in American life, including a text-capable cell phone for American Idol voting, a pair of $250 Lucky jeans, and a MySpace account.

*Citizenship void where prohibited or unseemly.