To: The Body
Re: Mind-Body Connection
First quarter reports are disappointing. Productivity plummeted. Profitability is flat. Aerobic activity hit a record low.
To reverse this alarming trend the following memo reviews our organizational chart and outlines suggestions for improved performance of the mind-body connection.
Chief Executive Organ (Brain): The brain is in charge 24/7. The body reports to the brain. It is not acceptable for the body to have “a mind of its own.”
Chief Financial Organ (Cerebellum): All financial decisions must be approved by the cerebellum. Impulse buying is no longer permitted. Sidewalk sales are forbidden. Sale catalogs must be thrown out upon receipt. Overtime is cancelled until further notice. Purchase orders must be filled out and approved by your supervisor 30 days prior to purchase. Annual revenue must double.
Accounts Receivable (Stomach): The HR department reports you have used up all of your sick days for the entire year during the first quarter. There have been numerous reports of “bugs”. Limit contact with small germ-carrying children and please sign up for new monthly wellness program: “Taking Care of You.”
The stomach will no longer growl and feign hunger 15 minutes after mealtime. Please cease and desist longing for chocolate after 8 p.m. as it keeps the human awake. Bathing suit season is almost upon us. Your compliance is mandatory.
Accounts Payable (Muscles): Muscles will comply with the brain’s initiative. Muscles will not fake spasms, aches, “charley horses” or otherwise undermine brain’s attempt at physical fitness. Muscles will be increased in size by 20% to handle expected loads. Please attend our brown bag lunch seminar: “Increasing Muscle Mass.”
Human Resources (Heart): I am sorry to say there have been reports that you are trying to take control and act as decision maker. This activity will not be tolerated. You report to the brain. You are the HR department.
Cardio workouts are for your benefit. Do not have heart palpitations when you hear the word, “exercise.” Also, clean out those arteries. Have a heart-healthy diet. Suggestions: use extra virgin olive oil. Eat avocados. Limit sodium.
Review and report all “longings of the heart” to CFO for approval.
You are required to participate in the sunrise exercise class: “Cardio Cha-Cha.”
Security (Immune System): Please apply rigorous screening procedures and background checks on all potential applicants. Prospective employees such as infection, viruses and disease will not be permitted to work in this body under any circumstances. Check and recheck references and work history! Visit in-house library to check out, “Virus Vamoose!
Sales and Marketing (Liver): Overtime in this department has tripled. Hire necessary personnel and implement plan to process spirits more effectively and efficiently. Participate in weekly after hours business mixer. Network!
Information Technology (Nervous System): Please maximize bandwidth of all synapses to improve firing of messages. Transmissions have been sluggish. This is an aging human we’re talking about! Attendance is required at the weekend seminar: “Improving the Mind-Body Connection.”
Thank you for your immediate attention to these matters. I look forward to renewed efforts across the body, improved productivity and profitability. Please plan to attend a mandatory staff meeting on August 1, 2007 to discuss these matters in further detail.
Remember our company motto: “A happy body is a happy human!