March, 2013. “A privately funded project, Inspiration Mars: Looking for a ‘mature’ married couple for a 2018 voyage to Mars and back. A slingshot trip, it would be a cosmic no-frills flight taking husband-and-wife astronauts as close as 161 kms to the Red planet… also means being cooped up for 16 months in cramped space capsule half the size of a caravan.
“Crew members will have no lander to go down to the planet, and no spacesuits to go out for a spacewalk. They will have minimal food and clothing, and their urine will be recycled into drinking water. ‘This is not going to be an easy mission,’ said chief technical officer Taber MacCallum. ‘We call it the Lewis and Clark trip to Mars.’”
Dear Mr. MacCallum,
To wit: Married 8 years. Not “frisky”… all business, that’s us. We’ve hardly seen any movies, so we could watch them for 16 months. We’ll clean bathrooms, cook meals, tend plants. We’re horticulturalists and grow our own food. And utterly compatible — no fights. Well, one knock-down-drag-out, over the name of some odd species, but that was it (turns out we were both right.) -John Lewis, PhD Martha Clark, PhD
Look no further! We’re the winning couple. You know us, right? We won the Guinness World’s Record for the longest kiss: locked lips for 59 hours, 11 minutes. Even went to toilet together. We already job-share (nudist colony lobbyists). But no hanky panky, we couldn’t be less interested! We’re going for the record — first interplanetary nudist vacation.
Josephina and Jose, San Francisco
Hey, Mac: Here’s the buzz. Me: Numero Uno choice for Mars. Already been to the Moon, duh, and on DWTS, so what’s left for me? Might I propose my fellow twit, Capt. James T. Kirk, as co-pilot, or possibly, Dr. Neil deG Tyson? Oh, btw, nix that slingshot stuff — #I’m landing that sucker. ‘Eagle Two’ out. — Dr. B. Lightyear
An optimal solution: us, the Car Guys! We’re conjoined twins. We never run out of things to talk about, we take up less room than two, and we can’t stand to be away from each other for a second. The urine thing? That was one of our Harvard games!
Tom and Ray, the Tappet Brothers
Mr. T. MacCallum:
I heard you on NPR: a couple beyond the honeymoon stage. Well, that’s us. We’re solid, mature characters. Sex? Not an issue — we just pass each other in the hall and say “Screw You”. What we need is a nice break from Smallville. Just the other day I said, “Superman, stop this planet and let me off,” and he said, “If I could, I would, Lois.”
P.S. Do you give frequent flyer miles?
The schedule is perfect! We’re public figures (Top Secret for now) but trust us, we’re going to need a job soon. A lot of people may petition for us to go to Mars. We don’t eat much and we’re in tiptop shape — better than Dr. Oz. Yours, M and B, Pennsylvania Ave., D.C.
@Inspiration Mars @DrPhil and @DrOz here. #100 Ways to Stay in Shape Mentally and Physically On Your Way to the End.
Dude, Far Out!
My old lady and me, we’re game for this Mars gig. All we need is our fudge brownies and we’re good to go. And hey, if that sling shot misses? Well, that’s all she wrote, babycakes. We’re all outta sight anyway. Later….Toke and M.J., Hashbury
Shame to solicit only Mork & Mindy couples! Isn’t this 2013? I’m SINGLE but my same-sex partner and I wish to apply. We’ve already been living PRIVATELY in a glass closet for nine years, so how hard could it be in a space capsule? The universe is invited to view the first private Martian LGBT wedding.
Jo D. Foster
Hello. Hi. S’up? Yo! Why one couple when you can have two? Four people here living in my head (MPD: multiple personality disorder) to keep us entertained. We only eat and drink for one and we all sleep in the same bed.
~Carol & Bob & Ted & Alice
Thanks for your interest in Inspirational Mars. We’ll be in touch for possible interviews. Please know we’ve added one requirement. In the event the couple actually does return to Earth, he and she must stay in quarantine together for 12 more months, so no signing up for DWTS.