I’m not referring to store or business openings. I’m incensed over the infuriating activity of opening things like boxes, packages, bottles, cans et cetera. It’s like every marketer in the world is trying to keep you from their product. Oh, not from buying it, just from opening and actually using it.

This came to me full force last week. My stomach wasn’t right and you know what can happen when that happens. To stop the diarrhea, there I said it, and it’s even tough to spell, I decided to take an anti-diarrhea pill. This little pill didn’t come in a bottle but on a sheet with little squares harvesting each of the pills. You have to break a square off and then proceed to extract the pill from it.

That’s where the fun comes in. The directions for opening say ‘peel back then tear off.’ So I peeled back but couldn’t tear off. So I pulled and tugged and cursed, then cursed some more. Then still not being able to peel it back, which surprised me ’cause cursing usually works, I ran for a scissor and even ran back with it, though you shouldn’t run with them, to start cutting it. More curse words. The point being that by the time I got it out, the diarrhea had gone and I was well on my way to constipation.

More ‘opening’ drama developed later that day. I was serving drinks to my wife and a friend of hers. I poured the vodka then proceeded to open, or rather try to open, the bottle of club soda. The damn top would not open. Now I had to curse under my breath. If I go to hell for cursing I’ll blame the manufacturers whose impossible-to-open products made me do it. Now, I have a fairly strong grip, not on reality, but on the bottle which just won’t open. Now my manhood is challenged as my wife, seeing my dilemma asks “Len, can I help?’ “No” I snap back in my most manly sounding voice.

Then I continued struggling with it. More embarrassing, it was one of those small 6 oz bottles which made me look even more incompetent. I could sense that my wife and her friend were wondering whether I was making 2 drinks or dinner for two. This is where the fragile male ego comes into play. I feigned going to the bathroom, grabbed a small pliers from my tool box, came back and opened the bottle. Then as I brought in the drinks I mentioned “boy that bottle was a tough one, almost needed pliers to open it.”

The next day, I encountered opening a new automatic can opener. It came in one of those plastic, almost shrink wrapped, covers. Now, the first 5 minutes or so involved studying the package to determine my plan of attack. Finally, having no plan of attack…I attacked it. First stabbing it with a kitchen knife and relieving some of my frustration and anger.

Then once again utilizing my trusty scissor, plus a good deal of cursing. There’s a reason they often call them blister packs. You get blisters trying to open them .After stabbing and cutting, which I considered also doing to the president of the can opener company, I got it out. But not before my wife once again offered “Len, can I help.”

Now, opening a loaf of bread is a pretty simple act. Right? Well while it isn’t as tough as the previous ones I’ve mentioned, it can in its own way be totally frustrating. It may present a small inconvenience but added to the other grand openings facing us, it’s worthy of at least a little cursing. Who curses at a loaf of bread? I do and here’s why.

You know, those stupid little twist ties they use. Well they’re little and stupid. You can never figure out which way to go to untwist them. You have a 50% chance of being right but only accomplish this 20% of the time. It’s twist, twist, twist to the right only to discover you have to twist, twist, twist to the left. Only Chubby Checker would appreciate this.

Here’s what I wish for every president of any company who makes a hard to open product. They spend one afternoon, not even a full day, doing nothing but opening their illustrious product. I bet you’d then see the most easy opening product packaging in the world.