DRAMATIC, IMPORTANT SOUNDING MUSIC, E.G., Theme from Apocalypse Now; Theme from 2001, A Space Odyssey; or Muskrat Love, from Captain and Tennille.
ANNCR: And now “What will the Weather Be” with William Weatherbee in the Channel 5 Five Alarm Weather Command Central Bunker.
WILL: Thanks for that great introduction. We take you now to Barry
Metric on location at the airport, waiting for the storm to break.
BARRY: Thanks, Will. I really don’t know why I’m out here. The forecast is for partly cloudy skies with temperatures in the upper 70s.
WILL: Thanks, Barry. Look at the crawl at the bottom of the screen.
BARRY: Thanks, Will. Oh, “30% chance of rain.” I guess that justifies all the expense of sending me out here with a full crew.
WILL: Let’s go the Strike Force Alpha Calamity Center with chief weather guy, Al Nimbus.
WILL: Oh, sorry. Thanks, Barry. Now, lets get a close up of Al’s Best Weatherman plaque from Jefferson Middle School. Oh, look, there’s a cool picture of a storm cloud on it.
AL: Thanks, Will. I call it my “Stratus Symbol.”
WILL: SLAPPING HIS DESK. That is sooooo funny! (ASIDE: Can’t
we PLEASE get Tommy the Thermometer back?)
Thanks Al, and thank you, Barry for braving the elements for our viewers. Please stay safe.
BARRY: It’s still just partly cloudy.
VOICE IN WILL’S HEADPHONES: Save this train wreck, Will! This is Sweeps Week.
WILL: Folks, as he speaks, Barry is being exposed to dangerous UV rays. Over 80% of them can get through clouds. I’d advise anyone within the sound of my voice to heed our exclusive forecast warnings and make sure you put on Sunblock One Thousand. Also remember, if there is rain in the forecast, we cannot rule out Life Threatening Thunderstorms!
VOICE IN WILL’S HEADPHONES: Whew! Quick thinking, Will.
WILL: Now, there’s also a fascinating weather phenomenon going on. Let’s go to Tempest Storm with weather in the weather out in the Western Suburbs. Now, Tempest, I understand there’s a fascinating weather phenomenon going on right now.
TEMPEST: Well that’s right, Will. You viewers can follow along by
looking at the weather map on your screen. Now, you’ll notice when I read off “Lakefront 74,” that’s exactly what’s written on the map. So, “Airport 75,” “Downtown 76,” but way out here in the Western Suburbs, it reads “Western Suburbs 77!” Now, Isn’t that a fascinating weather phenomenon?
WILL: I hadn’t thought of it that way, but yes it is. Now is there a scientific
reason for this?
TEMPEST: I know there’s something about Fronts in there.
WILL: Didn’t you go to Weather Lady school?
TEMPEST: Atmospheric, Oceanic, and Environmental Sciences degree from UCLA.
WILL: Like I said. Now, as our new Weather Lady, tell the Strike Force DEFCON Five Weather viewers a little more about yourself. Looks like your parents knew that you would pursue a career in meteorology when they named you “Tempest Storm.”
TEMPEST: Er, no—actually I gave myself that name when I was on the pole.
WILL: Was that good training for you?
TEMPEST: Well, I can read that weather map upside down.
WILL: (PAUSE) Um, Thanks, Tempest. Back to you, Al Nimbus. (PAUSE) BACK TO YOU, AL!
AL: Oh, ah, just picturing…(Pause) Well, back to the weather. Now, I don’t want
to alarm anybody unduly…
WILL: (INTERRUPTS) None of us at Channel Five Live does.
Al: (TRYING TO HIDE A SMIRK) Absolutely. But it looks like the
chance of rain…and THUNDERSTORMS just went up to 35 per cent!
WILL: Time to scurry for the lumber stores.
TEMPEST: Will, one of our sponsors, Chairmen of the Boards, is running a special on hurricane-resistant plywood sheets.
WILL: Thanks for that, Tempest. If the percentage goes up to 40 per cent, we’ll cancel our usual programming, except for commercials. Now, are they tying down any of the planes at the airport, yet, Barry?
Barry: No, but I saw a guy in a pilot type uniform…and I think he looked a little worried.
I just called my wife and told her I might not be coming home tonight because of the severe weather threat.
WILL: Was she alarmed for your safety?
BARRY: Actually, she just yelled “Don’t give me that same old lame ass excuse,” and slammed down the phone.
WILL: This just in, the chance of rain has jumped to 43 per cent! We’re going into full lockdown. This is Will Weatherbee reporting from the Bunker.
In the words of Madame de Pompadour, “Now, Après nous, le Déluge.”