We have some serious problems at the North Pole. For many years we have run a deficit and our expenses have far outweighed our revenues. Over the years, I have ignored this problem and let the debt pile up. Recently I have joined the Tea Party; you may have seen me at some town hall meetings, but maybe you didn’t recognize me without my suit among the other heavy set white guys with suspenders and beards. I have obtained advice from Michelle Bachmann, and Eric Cantor (even though he’s Jewish and doesn’t believe in me) and they have convinced me that I need to balance my budget. Today I am going to report on the cutbacks that will take place this Christmas.
First, we’ve had a sharp decrease in the income that we receive as donations. Earlier this year, St Peter was informed by OSHA that the Pearly Gates needed major revisions to make it wheel chair accessible, and he had no funds left over for charitable giving. Another setback occurred when Frosty the Snowman was required by the EPA to eliminate the lumps of coal that he used for eyes. He was forced to replace them with costly solar panels and then he decided to go completely organic with the carrot nose. The six geese alaying, always big donators, went bankrupt when the FDA closed them down for Salmonella contamination of their eggs. The Grim Reaper who’s pretty cheap anyway gave us absolutely zilch; the CDC found head lice in his hood and he decided to buy a new Mountain Jacket from North Face. While he was online, he traded his scythe for a Black and Decker Weed Eater. Finally, the Easter Rabbit is under indictment from the IRS for not declaring income obtained from a chocolate bunny scam.
We had an unforeseen rise in expenses this year. Mrs. Claus and I only found out after the fact that my lap band surgery and her breast implants were not covered by insurance and we had to pay everything out of pocket. We finally took Rudolph to the dermatologist and to our dismay his red nose is really a severe case of rosacea and he will be on lifelong antibiotics. The sugar plum fairy was mauled by a polar bear and spent weeks in the intensive care unit and Mrs. Claus insisted that we pick up her $5000 deductible. The elves went on strike this year after I tried to renegotiate their collective bargaining agreement. They lawyered up and forced me into expensive litigation. I had to hire some gnomes but they did shoddy work. We were fortunate to find some leprechauns who came out of retirement after their net worth was decimated by their investments in the Irish Banks. Finally, due to global warming (not caused by humans) the sleigh had to be completely waterproofed and fitted with twin inboard motors for travel through the Arctic seas.
Therefore I am announcing today the changes that will be instituted this Christmas:
1) Letters to me requesting toys must be accompanied by your mom or dad’s credit card number written on a slip of paper. Better yet, take the card from their wallet or purse and put it in the envelope. Smaller packages will be shipped to you by USPS.
2) All deliveries to the Middle East, Pakistan and Afghanistan will be made by a predator drone and we thank the US Air Force for their thoughtful gift. We hope to have the air to surface missiles deactivated by Christmas Eve.
3) There will be absolutely no visits to any home where there is a Menorah in the window or the odor of potato latkes in the air.
4) Any requests for “Dave the Funky Monkey” will not be honored, nor will any other toy that suggests that man was descended from the primate family.
5) You will be liable for any injuries to me or damage to the sleigh which might occur while landing on your roof. You should check with your parents to see if this is covered by their home owner’s policy.
6) We are only supplying presents for kids whose parents are job creators. If you are on food stamps, welfare or your parents are unemployed, I would advise you to go to your local toy store, did I say toy store, I meant Wal-Mart and tell them that Mr. Claus sent you.