I have decided to become a socialite. Yeah, that’s right. And why not? I’m semi-retired, have some time on my hands and darn it, I think I have what it takes.

With news as of late regarding government higher ups behaving badly under the spell of people who identify themselves as “socialites”, it dawned on me I’d like to be able to add that moniker to my name. What do you have to do to get that lofty title? Do you go to socialite school? Can you take online socialite courses?

In researching this, it might sadden you to find out socialites are a “breed in decline”. Say it ain’t so but it’s true! Not unlike the declining amphibian population or the disappearing Mediterranean Sheep, it is equally important to understand why, oh why, we have fewer and fewer socialites and how to amend this horrifying state of affairs. This is why I have decided to become one. A socialite, not an amphibian. They need me.

So I set out to learn what I need to do to help them with their shrinking circle. Here are the steps:

Step 1) Your family must be from a prestigious background My family is from Cleveland which is pretty much like being from Beverly Hills.

Step 2) Be well bred. See step 1.

Step 3) Become a member of DAR (Daughters of the American Revolution, for those of you non-socialite types). I am a DBD (Daughter of a Beer Drinker). Same thing.

Step 4) Marry rich. I married a used car salesman who sold Volkswagens during the 1970’s gas crisis. Pretty smart, eh?

Step 5) Even though you may not know a word of French, drop French words in sentences. Just because. Look them up on line if you don’t know any. I often say to people “Voulez-vous coucher avec mois ce soir?” with varying results. Other times, I like to add the words “a la carte” and “a la mode” when wanting to make a particularly socialite-type statement. For example, say you’re at McDonalds. When the server asks to take your order, you say, “I’d like a Big Mac and fries, a la mode “. And say it loudly so everyone knows you are on the way up the social ladder.

Step 6) Develop a flawlessly elegant style. I like to mix it up. Between Wal-Mart and Target, I believe I have my own eclectic “je ne sais quoi”. (See? I’m on my way!)

Step 7) Drink and gossip. A no brainer!

Step 8) Have parties that people are desperate to get invited to. I believe our neighborhood pig roast is right up there on the social circuit.

Step 9) Change your name. You may now call me Muffy, thank you.

Step 10) Become adept at social maneuvering. I think this means when you’re in a crowded bar and someone’s about to spill their beer on you, you are able to quickly get away.

You also get to be an honorary consul to a variety of countries because you’re a socialite. Never mind you have no political or foreign policy experience. Your acumen as a socialite is all you need.

Because I live on the U.S/Canadian border, I think I would be a wonderful consul to Canada. I speak Canadian. You might think , “Big deal, they speak English.” But au contraire (there I go again). Canada is a fake England. Their sentences end with “eh?“ and they say “aboot” when they mean “about”. They use the metric system to confuse Americans. It’s not as easy as you think understanding their culture and because I am on my way to becoming a socialite, I feel very qualified to be their spokesperson.

With very high heels, lots of make up and Spanx up to my eyeballs, I am on my way to help those in need. Foreign dignitaries will line up to ask me my opinion on the Arab Spring, nuclear warfare and what’s on sale at Saks. Whispering into my ear, generals from near and far will find my opinions earth shattering. Empires could collapse based on a mere utterance from my collagen injected lips.

The rise and fall of Canada weighs heavily on my shoulders and as a socialite, I take my position very seriously. In fact, so seriously I am exhausted. Wrought with anxiety, I have decided to take a break. I’ll deal with foreign policy as soon as I get my nails done.