Recent events have shown that the American people have become completely divided on attitudes towards the government, toward politics, and where to go for a jolt of caffeine and calories. Yet Americans actually agree on some issues. For example, when asked, 95% of all Americans agreed that a person deprived of food or water would cease to function in three months. And 98% of Americans agreed that a person deprived of caffeine would cease to function in three minutes.

Despite this, American’s remain divided; even about whether to act agreeable in public. My hairdresser always agrees. I like to disagree. Our conversation yesterday proves that my way is right:

Me: “An hour ago I walked into a Starbucks carrying a paper bag which smelled like a hamburger and had the McDonald’s arch-and-logo on it. The customers looked up from their laptops and stared, like, I was some space alien invading their private Starbucks planet and coffee cup.”

Hairdresser(HD): “That’s Starbucks for you.”

Me: “No, that McDonalds. The smell of a McDonald’s food can over-power a room and disrupt a person’s aromatic concentration.”

HD: “Well, that’s McDonald’s for you.”

Me: “No, that’s Starbucks. The smell of exotic coffee flavors put people in a reflective mood where they start thinking over and over about every darned thing that ever happened since graduating from toilet training.”

HD: “Well, that’s Starbucks for you.”

Me: “No that’s McDonald’s. Nothing turns a body and brain more inward than the satisfied feel of a hearty hamburger meal. That’s why McDonald’s has gotten into the act and, now, is selling different flavors of coffee. Now, customers can wake up from their self absorbed thinking and get back to work.”

HD: “Well that McDonalds for you.”

Me: “No that’s Starbucks. There is no other firm in the entire planet that can quickly spot new trends, seize opportunities, and create new products like Starbucks. Starbucks can capture entire new consumer markets before your Grande Latte cools off and turns drinkable.”

HD: “Well that’s Starbucks for you.”

Me: “No that’s, McDonald’s. McDonald’s grew from a local hamburger stand in Southern California to become major Corporation by creating restaurants in every U.S. city and town. And McDonald’s was the first American business to locate right in the heart of Moscow Russia, just 4 blocks from the Kremlin.”

HD: “Well, that’s McDonald’s for you.”

Me: “No that’s Starbucks. In most of the world’s cities a person can’t walk three blocks without running into a Starbucks. In fact, in many countries a person who is five foot eight and makes 30 thousand a year, is said to be of: “grande” height and has a “grande” income. The whole Starbucks experience just hooks customers wherever they are. ”

HD: “Well, that’s Starbucks for you.”

Me: “No that’s McDonalds, Have you ever watched a friend eating from a bag of McDonald’s French fries? You can’t do it. You get hooked and turn fry crazy. Then you gobble up half of your friend’s fries and have to order another bag to make up for it. And even worse, you can’t feel guilty because food experts say McDonald’s makes the healthiest fries.”

HD: “Well that’s McDonalds for you.”

Me: “No that’s Starbucks. Starbucks makes sure its coffee suppliers have a good environmental record—so customers don’t feel any environmental guilt about buying Starbuck products; even after the caffeine wears off.”

HD: “Well, that’s Starbucks for you.”

Me: “No that’s McDonalds because McDonald’s restaurants have pictures and signs that point to the growing billions of McDonald’s hamburgers that are bought and sold every year. Customers feel proud just to be eating a hamburger and participating in one of the world’s great capitalist enterprises.”

HD:“Well that’s McDonalds for you.”

Me: “No, that’s Starbucks. Starbucks goes out its way to show customers how Starbucks profits are used to help thousands of coffee growing, communities around the world. Customers recognize that the coffee that they are drinking could save an entire species of rain forest spiders. “

“Well that’s’ Starbucks for you”

Me: “And that’s how much for the hair trim?

HD: “80 bucks”

Me:“80 bucks I hardly have any hair left. This is plain bald-headed robbery.”

HD: “No, it is your contribution to uniting the American people. Twenty dollars goes to government taxes, 40 dollars to the haircut business. And 10 dollars I’ll spend on a meal at McDonalds. Of course, I need to last 10 dollars to buy a couple Grande Lattes at the Starbucks next door.”