A lighthearted look at dog owning extremists.

Let me make one thing clear from the start. I don’t dislike dogs. So any owners incensed by this article do not have to bother picketing my home, or planning to attach a car bomb to my PT Cruiser. Although the way it’s been acting lately, maybe they should. My real issue is with the obsessive, doting and pet spoiling owner.

There are those who have offered their pet no behavioral training. You know, you ring the bell and are greeted by an overactive furry friend jamming their snout firmly into your crotch. Therefore you’re relegated to this kind of greeting.

“Hi…umph…how are…aho…it only took us…ow….an hour to get …uh…here.”

Sometimes the owner thinks this is normal and amusing. That’s when I want to jam a rolled up magazine into their crotch, smiling broadly as I enter their home claiming “isn’t this fun?”

Here’s something that took place 6 months ago when my wife and I visited friends who owned two black labs. Beautiful dogs. Out of control. Our friends somehow felt that setting ground rules and demanding obedience would hurt the dog’s feelings. They’ll smack, yell and punish their kids but not their furry friends.. Anyway, with the dogs in the house, we enjoyed a picnic spread of home made pizza etcetera. In the backyard.

Suddenly our hostess exclaimed “let the dogs out” reminding me of the song by the Baha men.As our host did in fact ‘let the dogs out’ they came out excitedly sniffing us, sniffing the food and each other. I ceased eating when one dog swiped an olive from one plate and the other sniffed and licked a slice of pizza. I’m sure my hosts were fine with it. However I have one slight idiosyncrasy…I DON”T SHARE A PLATE WITH A DOG!

Here’s another annoying dog fanatic habit. They insist on taking their pets everywhere. They’d bring them to funerals and weddings if they could. Imagine a furry friend sitting at the head table at a wedding reception or whining at the casket of their departed owner. When making hotel reservations, the first question asked isn’t how much the room costs, is there a king size bed, is there a view, etcetera. It’s ‘are pets allowed.’ If not, the offended pet owner will forgo an opportunity to stay in the Tower Suite, overlooking the water…at half price. So they stay at Motel 6. Only the dog is disappointed.

Speaking of disappointed or unhappy canines leads me to another strange behavior of dog owners. Dog shrinks. Pet fanatics actually seek out these shrinky dinks and trainers fpr this service. When a canine is left home alone because the owner is at work earning money to pay for pet food, vet bills, toys etcetera, doggy thanks the owner by tearing the couch apart. Then the doggy shrink tells our owner their pet is suffering from separation anxiety. The shrinks claim they know when and why a dog is happy or sad. I’ll give you the answer free of charge. Dogs are happy when they’re eating or being petted. Note the wagging tale. Doggies are unhappy when not eating or being petted. Behold the drooping tail. Should I put out a shingle?

Noticed how fanatical dog owners can’t see another dog without excitingly running to it asking the owner a myriad of lame questions. Like oooh…what’s his name, what’s the breed, how old is he, does he ever have a yellowish stool?

Nowadays, a family doesn’t refer to their pet as a pet. They’re ‘part of the family.’ It’s no longer Maxie, it’s Maxie Wintersloot. I wonder if they legally make the name change at town hall. If I want a family member who’s hairy, eats everything in sight, sleeps most of the day, chases the neighbors cat and occasionally smells bad, I’ve got my uncle Stanislaus. Also, while we’re on family matters, how about kids and dogs. Every owner thinks their breed is wonderful with kids.’ Cujo could have 2’ long fangs, killed the neighbor’s cat, and gnawed off most of the mailman’s leg. But he’s ‘great with kids.’ Even if their dog nipped their child’s leg, the kid would be punished for annoying the dog.

Well, that’s my look at some of today’s over the top dog owners.. Yes, I know that all pet owners aren’t extremists. It’s just that talking about them isn’t as much fun. Besides I have to feed the dog.