The three college students’ names were Tom, Mike, and Derek. They were young, ambitious, and full of testosterone. Lots of it.

They rode in my taxi every weekend, going from the dorms to off-campus parties. For them, the party always started at the dorms.

After months of giving them rides, a strange event took place. The Three Drinkateers wanted me to meet their girlfriend.

I remember it well…..

It was extremely busy. I was chasing calls when my phone rang. The Booze Brothers needed a ride to another party. Luckily, I wasn’t too far away.

When I arrived to the dorms, the guzzlers had tipped a few and English had become their second language.

A brunette with nice curves and a flirtatious smile was with them. Tom grabbed the woman and literally threw her into the cab. I was shocked and disgusted. I was going to remind Tom he should treat women with more respect, but I paused and scrutinized her more closely.

She was attractive,…..a real looker. In fact, she was a doll.

An inflatable doll.

The party-goers hopped in. I looked at the woman,…..then back at Tom. I muttered a sarcastic, “Uh-huh?”

Tom laughed. “We have a new girlfriend.”

“So I see.”

“Bobby, this is Mabel. Mabel, this is Bobby.”

“Mabel? You’re kidding, right?”

“No, we’re not kidding.”

“Cute, real cute.”

“There’s one thing we do like about her.”

“Yeah? What’s that?”

“She’s a really good listener.

“Yeah, and she never argues with you,” they chimed.

The predictable one-liners continued until we arrived to the party. Tom asked if I could pick them up later. I wasn’t sure, since it was so busy.

At 2:45AM, my phone rang. I answered, and Tom was shouting at me. I could hear loud music playing in the background. He told me they were ready to leave.

When I got to the party, the trio was waiting out front. I noticed a change in their logistics. Mabel was with them, but she looked unhappy and dejected. I’d even say she looked,…..uh,…..deflated.

They all said hello. Mark and Derek were speaking a garbled version of Esperanto. I tried to understand what they were saying, but it was useless — like an ashtray on a motorcycle.

I looked at Mabel. Her hair was disheveled and her beautiful smile was now gone. She was a mess.

I looked at Tom and he laughed.

“Mabel had one helluva’ night!”

“Sounds like quite a party.”

“It was.”

A few minutes passed and curiosity got the better of me.

“So,…..what happened to her?”

“Who, Mabel?”

“Yeah, her.”

Tom explained Mabel’s plight.

“Well, she was sitting on the sofa and some guy tried sitting down next to her but he sat on top of her! He had a pen in his pocket, and, well… that was all she wrote… so to speak.”

I groaned. “Oh, brother.”

Derek joined in.

“Yes… we learned something very important!”

“Oh, yeah? What’s that?”

“We learned that the pen… is truly mightier than the sword!”

I asked Tom what they would do with Mabel.

“Well, I thought we’d let you keep her.

I was befuddled.

“What the hell am I going to do with her?!

“We don’t care. It’s our gift to you!”

I was too tired to argue. I’d throw Mabel into the nearest trash bin anyway. Tom smiled and nodded. “Good! You’ll have tons of fun!”

Well… maybe not that much fun.

They got out and left Mabel on the back seat. She had a strange grin on her wrinkled face. Finally, there might be some truth to the saying that women age faster than men.

I left the campus and nervously drove down the boulevard, praying my yellow brothel on wheels would go unnoticed by the local police.

I could see it all now. I’d try to explain the deflated damsel, pleading my case to a frowning Sergeant… at 3AM. “Really sir, she’s not mine… I promise!”

I found a location to dispose of the body, a trash bin in a dark alley. No formal services, however. The ceremony I held for Mabel was like my cooking — quick and easy.

I nervously drove away, expecting the police helicopter’s spotlight to shine down on me at any moment.

Suddenly, I remembered I made plans with someone special for the following night.

Who was it? My girlfriend.

She was attractive,…..a real looker. In fact, she was undeniably beautiful.

But, she wasn’t a doll.

I promise.