Dear University Refund Department,

I am writing to request a full refund for my college education. I have decided that I no longer wish to pay on outstanding loans for something I am not satisfied with. If someone can return an old tire to Nordstrom’s, then I should be able to return my degree.

Sometimes I’ll be lying in bed flipping through the channels on my 300 year old TV and I’ll think, “Gee, I should really watch the news tonight. I literally have no idea what’s going on in the world right now. Never mind the world, I don’t even know what’s happening locally. I should probably catch myself up. And come to think of it, I’m a GROWNUP cryin’ out loud, would it kill me to read a newspaper once a while? That’s it, tomorrow I’m calling the Union Tribune and getting a handle on my ignorance before anyone finds out how dumb I am and- OH! Law and Order rerun?! Score!” Channel is flipped and the world’s affairs are again forgotten.

I’ve had that conversation with myself probably a hundred times in the last few years. And I really thought I was going to do something about it. For example, I started following Barack Obama on Twitter. But I don’t know how to use Twitter so all I do is get email updates “Barack Obama Twittered something.” Great. Thanks, B. Keep up the great tweets.

I also know nothing about US History or World History. Unless Pig Latin counts, I also speak no other languages besides English. I also can’t do math. Seriously, I.Can’t.Do.Math. My boss was asking me to do a project that involved quite a bit of analytical thinking with math. We were on a conference call and he was like “Tracy, are you good to take care of this?” “Yup, sure- I got it!” I answered cheerfully. Got what? I was a complete deer in the headlights. It was like I was in 7th Grade again and I had just been called on to come to the chalkboard to do a math equation and I just stood there like a dope. I feel that as a college graduate from your institution, I should be equipped to follow basic tasks at my place of employment.

So let’s review.

Here are the things I need in life but did NOT learn in college:

-Art and culture
-Math of any kind
-Current affairs
-Politics
-Economics
-Twitter (I don’t think Twitter had been invented yet when I was in college but nonetheless…)

Aaaannnndd the things I did learn:

-How to make Top Ramen in the microwave
-How to negotiate with myself for more sleep time in the morning, ie “If I wear pants and not a skirt, I won’t have to shave my legs, that’s ten more minutes. Snooze! If I skip my shower altogether, I can sleep 20 more minutes. Snooze! If I skip this (circle one: Class, meeting, appointment) altogether, nobody will miss me. Snooze!
-How to BS my way through pretty much any situation
-Rules are meant to be broken

Hmm… actually, come to think of it, I do use all of those life skills today. But it would still be nice to know how to trade stocks and work an excel spreadsheet or do a simple math equation without breaking out in hives. Tell you what… I’ll meet you in the middle. How about you just refund me for the first 2 years, throw in a box of Ramen and we’ll call it even.

Sincerely yours,