Roman Chisel & Scribe, 85 A.D.
Salutius Matthew, Mark, Luke, and John
Thank you for your tome on humble beginnings, good versus evil, tragedy, redemption and resurrection. You cover a lot in your mail. The premise is fascinating, along with your suggestion of combining your submission with the older testament. Interesting. However we don’t feel it will have a broad appeal. We expect this will just be a regional piece, languishing with a few Rabbis, a monk or two, and a cleric. Unfortunately, only a miracle could save this work from isolation.
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London Writers Guild, 1400 A.D.
Dear Will,
To buy or not to buy, or in the lexicon of the scribe, to B or not to B—that is the question. Whether it is nobler to refuse this literary task before us or embrace it as a long lost love that has returneth, arms wide, this tumult confounds us into a sense of remorseful indecision. Put your pen into ink and thus does it not bleed onto the paper as any other pen would do? Would we not fare better to refuse, cry havoc as our heart aches with a thousand voices as we must part in such sweet sorrow?
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Lady’s Home Journal, 1812
Dear Miss Austin,
A book about the desperate daughters of Town Meryton is “not our cup of tea.” Granted, it might make for a good play or a reading assignment for middle school girls. However, for our consumers, with their pride and prejudices, this is a no-seller. The party scenes are right up our ally though, but not all the drama. We just don’t do drama very well. I think your characters all need a big hug and a cupcake. Please refer to page 122 of our March issue for a great cupcake recipe.
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Audubon Society, 1844
Dear Mr. Poe,
A talking Raven who repeats itself is an interesting concept. Creepy, but interesting. We don’t see the fit with the Audubon Society periodical. Agree, we do work with birds but the chirping kind, not the stuttering. Have you ever thought of moving to Baltimore? There seems to be a market for this type of literary genius. Plus, the city seems to be welcoming to anything bird related. We understand Orioles are popular there; maybe your Raven has a chance.
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Florida Fishing Journal, 1951
Dear Mr. Hemingway,
Old men fishing is as common as flies on stink bait here. Granted, your main character does bring in a whopper on some test line after a fierce struggle, but without a photograph, this story is of little use to us. Plus, haven’t we all heard that the sharks ate it a million times before? Now a book on snow or high peaks like Mt. Kilimanjaro—now that would be something we could sink our shiny wigglers into. Not much of that going on here in sunny Florida. Also, please enough of the five-toe cat stories.
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Children’s Daily, 1957
Dear Dr. Suess,
I wish we could, I wish we would, I wish I were made of wood. Your cat is dapper, with his long fancy capper, but we think this book is a napper. We know the kids think your a whiz and this story is the biz. But we don’t.
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Haunted Press London, 1997
Dear Ms. Rowling,
Enough with the witches, warlocks and hognobbins. What’s next, Teenage Werewolves! This book appears to have been written on the rail between Manchester and London. Even though my teenage daughter and her friends and their friends could not put the book down, we don’t see the merit in its publication. We support you in keeping your day job, suggesting that this book won’t make you very much in return. As Gandolf said when he was on Star Trek after getting out of the TARDIS, “May the force be with you.”
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Woman’s Daily, 1998
Dear Ms. J. Collins,
Thank you for your submission. Our editor will be out of intensive care soon and we have burned it. Do you touch your mother with those hands? We must say your heroine does get around. Please find another source for your literary style, we at Woman’s Daily don’t feel this is a good fit.
Sincerely
Pat
P.S. You can forward future submissions directly to my home address listed below.
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The New Yorker, 1925 to present
To all writers: thank you for your submission. We don’t like it.