“Hey, who the heck are you to tell me how to watch football? I’ve been doing it all my goldarn life.”

First of all, step off. And, watch that salty language; I’m going to tell you how to watch football the right way.

Now, I’m not here to explain things like Cover Two, Pro Set, or the West Coast Offense. Anybody can pick that up. This stuff is infinitely more important.

There are three ways to watch football—and watching it on your tablet, smartphone, wrist watch, or hearing aid are none of the them. The only reasons to go those routes are: A. You like courting severe eyestrain, or B. You want to annoy everybody within earshot or eyeshot.

Here are your true choices:

I. Watch In Person.

There’s nothing like being at the game—you’re at one with your team and your fellow fans. To optimize the experience, just buy into a Luxury Box—great view, supplemented by TVs with direct feeds from the field; your own bathroom, away from people jostling you at a trough; toasty warm atmosphere throughout, impervious to the outside rain, snow, ice and wind, while delightfully air conditioned for the Southern Tier of stadiumsre. There’s special food, top shelf drinks, and better couches to nap on than you have at home.

Failing that, get yourself on the sidelines—with the right credentials you can go anywhere; if it starts snowing on your suede team jacket, just duck into the tunnel until it blows over. If it continues, head for the locker room or the media room—they’ve got TVs and plenty of (free) food in there. Easy, peasy.

Next best—get tickets on the 50 yard line, about a third of the way up. Great view… but there could be a few drawbacks; if you’re at an outdoor stadium in the northern tier of NFL states, and the temperature is below freezing, arm yourself with hand and foot warmers, a hat with earflaps, and a bulky jacket that rends your upper extremities virtually motionless.

Keep in mind that everyone around you and down the row that seemingly goes on forever will be similarly bulked up, helping making that trip to the restroom also seemingly go on for an eternity. After unzipping, unbuttoning, and un-velcroing everything within reach and hoping you’ve accomplished your mission, you’ll fight your way back to your seat just in time for half time.

Helpful hint—that life giving flask you thoughtfully brought along would ordinarily be impossible for you to get at, but your neighbor can easily retrieve it from your quilted pocket, and after you share its contents with him and his buddies, there should be enough of a belt left for you to snarf down and get you through the rest of the game.

II. Go to Your Friendly Local Sports Bar

Every sports bar’s got gigantic TVs now, even Ye Olde Tea Shop, (but they only get crowds for European football—unkindly dubbed “Fake Football” by true believers.
Unlike vendors bring you piping cold brats, burgers, and chili from the bowels of the stadium, the pub food is hot, tasty, and served up be a personable, attractive waitstaff. At the sports bar, you’ll get that special feeling of camaraderie, plus, if you’re at the right bar, they pass out free shots every time your team scores. And you’ll be able to enjoy the very best thing there is about watching a game—getting into a the bar’s football pool that pays off every quarter.

III. Exploit the Home Field Advantage

Lots of pluses to staying home, many of them involve positive minuses—No miserable traffic, no adverse weather to brave, no exhaustive post game travel home starting a couple hours after the game (it’s impossible to budge out of the parking lot for a long, long while) from a distant city, thus making you useless at work on Monday morning; the food, drinks, and bathroom are all scant steps away; and nobody’s spewing expletives (except you).

There’s a reason you have a 1,000 inch TV in your man cave (read “finished basement”) besides having bragging rights over your friends. That high def, mutlti-pixel, and other blah blah technical terms TV brings the stadium right into your lair.
So, here you are on a Football Sunday. Just think—you can spend upwards of seven hours at home with just your spouse and the kids.

Wait, where are you going?

“To the game.”