RING, RING:
JOEL: Hello, this is Joel. The check is in the mail.
KIM: Hi, Joel, this is Kim. I wanted to talk to you about our Author Showcase.
JOEL: Who’s Arthur Showcase?
KIM: AUTHOR! AUTHOR!
JOEL: Thank you. Thank you. You must have bought my book recently. I haven’t checked the sales figures lately on Amazon.
KIM: When’s the last time you looked?
JOEL: At least a good ten minutes ago. So what’s up?
KIM: I was wondering if you’d like to read something of yours at our local “Spotlight on Writers” evening.
JOEL: Who backed out??
KIM: Frankly, several people. But you’re high on the list.
JOEL: How about Pam?
KIM: She’s on her way to Monte Carlo. Said she wanted to soak in the local color for an essay, and after that she’s going to Antarctica for a literary conference
JOEL: What about Jen?
KIM: She’s totally occupied by her Scottish historical romance novel. “Her heart’s in the HEELANDS.”
JOEL: The wherelands?
KIM: HEE! HEE!
JOEL: It’s not that funny.
KIM: Ach, Joel, D’ye no ken?
JOEL: No, I don’t know Barbie, either.
KIM: I suppose, also, you don’t know much about history.
JOEL: Don’t know much biology, either. Anyway, it sounds interesting. Hmm, I wonder which of my pieces I should read. Which ones do you like the most?
KIM: Hmm. The most? Well you’ve written so many. Why not read one of those that got you the most feedback?
JOEL: How about my essay on inconsiderate drivers? I read it at your Wednesday critique group three years ago. ‘Member?
KIM: The essay…..on…..inconsiderate…..drivers. Sorry, I do critique over fifty pieces a month you know.
JOEL: You put a plus sign after one of my sentences.
KIM: Oh! That one. It is a popular topic to address.
JOEL: Well, I had a unique take on those drivers.
KIM: What was it?
JOEL: I came out against them.
KIM: I see.
JOEL: Strongly.
KIM: It’s up to you; just go with your gut feeling.
JOEL: Where’s this going to be?
KIM: At the Library.
JOEL: Is that the name of a new bar?
KIM: Funny. Remember the Library? Lots and lots of books in it?
JOEL: Oh, yes, I’d be glad to go there, partly in revenge.
KIM: Revenge?
JOEL: The last few times I stopped in there, they shushed me. Now’s my chance to talk really loud while they sit quietly and listen. To me!
KIM: Well…
JOEL: Not a shush out of them.
KIM: So, you’re in?
JOEL: OK, Sure; they really are nice people. Guess they can’t help it if their ears are so freakishly sensitive. Of course, I could give them a few suggestions.
KIM: Why am I not surprised?
JOEL: For openers, they could stock my book on their shelves.
KIM: You must understand that with self-published books, like yours, it’s often a tough row to hoe; they don’t even have enough space to accommodate all the excellent traditionally published books.
JOEL: Aha, their party line. So they got to you too? Somebody down here doesn’t like me.
KIM: “Somebody…”
JOEL: OK, lots of somebodies. I have a theory about it being a conspiracy.
KIM: Of course you do.
JOEL: Anyway, I still have some concerns about reading out loud in public….ah, Kim,
did you ever notice that I tend to slur my words?
KIM: Yes. I think we’ll be able to make it a non-issue..
JOEL: What could be done?
KIM: Most important—either you stop drinking or…
JOEL: Or what?
KIM: The rest of us start.
JOEL: By the way, Kim, could I hawk copies of my book there?
KIM: Don’t you think that’s a little crass?
JOEL: What’s your point?
KIM SLAPS HER FOREHEAD
JOEL: One more thing. Can you put me in among the first presenters?
KIM: Well, I’m trying to work out something that would be fair for everyone.
JOEL: Yeah but see, that way, after I’m done reading, my friends and relatives could sneak out early, so they wouldn’t have to listen to the rest of the speakers; I’d have my people sitting in the back; they wouldn’t be noticed leaving.
KIM: I really can’t promise that.
JOEL: No pressure. See what you can do. I’m really looking forward to the event. Must be worlds of fun for you, organizing something like this.
KIM: Shush!