Yesterday I bought my first pair of fishnet tights. No, not for me Stupid, for my wife.
Entering the hosiery store brought looks of bewilderment from the staff. It was as if an alien, with funny ears and bulging eyes, had dropped in from the planet Bifukumonin, wearing nothing but a thong. Seeing the angst on their faces, one would have thought I was emitting hazardous materials causing instant infertility in all females within ten feet of my extra-terrestrial body.
Finally, one brave, bold, menopausal woman risked approaching me and asked, “What can I help you find today?” while simultaneously, thinking to herself “What the hell are you doing here? This is a male free zone.”
I replied, “I need a pair of fishnet stockings” while simultaneously thinking to myself, “I am on a mission from the planet Bifkumonin, a land devoid of nylon and spandex, to return with a garment that will restore the sex drive of our male inhabitants and save our species from extinction.”
She looked at me in a strange way and said, “Here in America we have tights and pantyhose; do you have a preference?” while simultaneously thinking to herself “Where did this wimp come from? I would prefer Trump keep crossdressers, rather than Muslims, out of the country.”
I replied, “Tights” while simultaneously thinking to myself, “Why is hose a garment for females and not a fashion accessory more suited to the gender born with a God given watering tool shaped like a miniature garden hose?”
Starting to drop her guard only so slightly, she said, “We offer many different colors. Red, white, blue, brown, beige, nude and the traditional black. Do you have a preference?” Simultaneously thinking to herself, “I’ve seen sumo wrestlers with better legs than his.”
“Black” I replied while simultaneously thinking to myself, “What the hell color is nude? Isn’t black nude for black people and white nude for white people and brown nude for brown people? Since most of our inhabitants are green I guess I better not buy nude.”
In a more enthusiastic tone she said, “Good choice. We have 26 choices in black. Let me introduce you to some of my favorites.” Simultaneously, thinking to herself, “I’ve got a real sucker here, should be able to sell him that pair we’ve had in stock for the past three years.”
Showing me model number 191, the saleslady said, “This pair is only $89 during our Spring Sale. Don’t you think the scalloped back seam creates an eye-catching look and adds a feminine touch that’s just right for you?”
“Yes” I replied while simultaneously thinking to myself, “Yeah, this is what makes America great; adding a feminine touch to a garment that is already 100 percent feminine. What’s next? Adding a masculine touch to cigars.”
After showing me model numbers 192, 193 and 194 she suddenly said, “I know exactly what you need. Tights with a cotton lined gusset that adds breadth at the crotch keeping your genitals dry and ventilated.” Simultaneously, thinking to herself, “If I was going to work with protruding genitals I might as well have kept my old job as a pest exterminator.”
Sounding like a fashion expert, while sneaking a peak at my crotch, I confidently said, “Tights with a gusset sounds great,” while simultaneously pretending to read an incoming email as I do a Google search. What a surprise. It would seem, for years, I have been strutting around with a gusset in my jeans.
“Looks like we have narrowed our search down to a pair of black fishnet tights with a cotton gusset and a scalloped back seam. Model 632 is definitely what you are looking for. Guaranteed to last a lifetime and best of all one size fits all.” Simultaneously, thinking to herself, “The day real men wear hosiery I quit my job.”
“Perfect” I replied, while simultaneously thinking to myself, “Do you really think I am going to keep my receipt in a safety deposit box, until death, just in case a hole appears in a garment already full of holes?”
Arriving home, my wife asks how things went at the hosiery store.
Before I have a chance to tell her about the weird six foot two-hundred-pound saleslady, wearing military fatigues and chewing tobacco, she shouted, “$92 for these out of style tights!” Simultaneously, thinking to herself, “He went for tights and somehow got hosed.”
“What were you thinking?”
” I was on a mission from the planet Bifkumonin ……..”