While perusing the Sunday paper a week before Father’s Day, I came across a huge spread in a department store’s ad insert for men’s cologne, also known as “eau de toilette”. Before I go any further, why do companies insist on using that French phrase, which translates to toilet water? While the dog doesn’t mind lapping that up, it’s not a good description of what I want to splash on my face.

Ah, those zany Frenchies.

Anyway, judging from the prices, these scents must be made of liquid gold.

I’d love to know how they come up with the names for these expensive odors, most of which have nothing to do with the way they smell.

For instance, there’s “Obsession”, which sounds kinda creepy to me. A variation is called “Dark Obsession”, which sounds really creepy.

Another is called “Gucci Guilty”. Do you have to be a convicted felon to purchase this scent? I will concur that the men who buy this are guilty of spending way too much moolah to smell good.

Here is one that confused me : “Chrome”. Is that what it smells like? I went out and sniffed my truck’s bumper and it didn’t impress me as something that would drive the babes wild.

One ad featured a fragrance called “Moonshine”, with the caption, “a gentleman’s cologne”, printed underneath the name. I guess that was put there to cover their butt in case someone got the wrong idea and decided to drink it. The description of this concoction read: “a woodsy aroma with hints of spice, including notes of black pepper, tobacco, and leather”. Heck, instead of shelling out seventy – six bucks for this stuff, maybe I’ll just sit underneath my pine trees, eat some lemon pepper chicken wings, smoke a cigar, and put on my cowboy boots to get the same olfactory effect.

Evidently, colognes that go by a famous man’s name are more successful than a description of the scent itself. There is “Giorgio Armani” ( isn’t he a creator of men’s clothes?), “Dolce and Cabana” (sounds like a Vegas lounge act), “Tommy Bahama” (not even a real guy) and one by some dude named Vince Camuto, who is best known (and I’m not kidding) as a designer of women’s footwear.

There is another called “Marc Ecko Blue”, sporting a silhouette of a rhinoceros, with a price that’s quite preposterous. It actually has a “danger” label on the bottle, stating that it is “extremely flammable”. I think I’d shy away from firing up the old barbeque grill after slathering this on.

I was in a discount store recently, and noticed a shelf full of knock-off colognes, which are supposed to mimic the expensive scents, but at a fraction of their price. Being the frugal person I am ( i.e., cheap), I decided to try one. I patted some on that evening just as my wife was pulling into the garage.

When she walked into the house, a look nothing short of utter revulsion played across her face.

“What is that stench?”, she exclaimed.

“Oh, you mean my cologne?”, I answered innocently. “I got it at the discount store. It’s an imitation of Polo Blue”.

“Huh! Smells more like Polo P-U! How much did you pay for it?”

“Um, a dollar plus tax”.

“Well”, she scoffed, “That’s a dollar that’s literally going down the drain!”

So, my advice to fellow guys that like to smell good is this: let your significant other pick out the aroma. Better yet, make her pay for it. That’s what I did, and I wound up with some eau de toilette called “Paris” (“Absorb the energy of the adrenaline charged streets of Paris with this fresh and modern blend of white woods, orange zest, and musk!”).

Ah, those zany Frenchies.