OVERCAST: Thank you for calling the Overcast Cable Network. Please enter the phone number associated with your….
ME: Customer Service
OVERCAST: Ok! Did you want to speak to one of our highly trained Customer Service Representatives? Enter or say “1” for “yes” or enter or say “2” for “no”, or you can say things like “Customer Service”.
ME: Customer Service
OVERCAST: Ok! You want to speak to a Customer Service Representative. If correct, please enter or say “1”. If incorrect, please enter or say “2”.
ME: Customer Service
OVERCAST: Ok! Before I transfer you to our Technical Support Department, I need to identify your account so that we may serve you better. Using the numbers on your phone, please enter the 10 digit phone number associated with your account.
ME: CUSTOMER SERVICE!
OVERCAST: Ok! You want to speak to a Customer Service Representative. All our Customer Service Representatives are currently helping other Customers. Your expected wait time is……….(line goes dead).
ME (redialing): DAMMIT!
OVERCAST: Thank you for calling the Overcast Cable Network. Please enter the phone number associated with your….
ME: Technical Support
OVERCAST: Ok! Do you want to speak with one of our Highly Trained Technical Support Representatives? You may say things like “Technical Support” or “yes” or you can enter or say “1” for “yes” or “2” for “no”.
ME: TECHNICAL SUPPORT!
OVERCAST: Ok! You want to speak with one of our Highly Trained Technical Support Representatives. Your estimated wait time is 38 minutes. In order to better direct your call, please enter the phone number associated with your account.
ME: (sigh) 8015551212
OVERCAST: Ok! You have entered 8015551212. Is that correct? Please enter or say “1” if correct or enter or say “2” if incorrect.
ME: One
OVERCAST: Ok! You have said “one”. Is that correct? Please enter or say “1” if correct or “2” if incorrect.
ME: ONE!
OVERCAST: Ok! You want to be connected to one of our Highly Trained Technical Support Representatives. Before we connect you, would you like to participate in a Customer Satisfaction Survey at the end of this call? Please enter or say “1” for “yes” or enter or say “2” for “no”.
ME: DAMMIT!
OVERCAST: Ok! I’m sorry, but I didn’t understand you. Please enter or say “1” if you would like to participate in the Customer Satisfaction Survey, or enter or say “2” if you would not like to participate.
ME: TWO!
OVERCAST: Ok! You said “Two”! All of our Technical Support Representatives are currently helping other Customers. Your estimated wait time is 47 minutes. Did you know that you may get answers to frequently asked questions on our website? Please enter or say “1” if you know that you may get answers to frequently asked questions or say “2” if you do not know that you may get answers to frequently asked questions.
ME: (whimpering): One
OVERCAST: (Every 3 ½ seconds for the next 1 hour 8 minutes): Your call is important to us. Our representatives are currently helping other Customers. Please continue to hold.
OVERCAST (1 hours 8 minutes later): Hello! Thanks to you for calling our Service Technical Department. My name is JOE! My ID is 5455C as in “Charlie”, V as in “Victor”, dash, 103999 dash, D as in “Dog”. May I am having the primary phone number associating with your Overcast account?
ME: 8015551212
OVERCAST: Ok! Mrs Betty Hornsworth! I looking your primary reviewing account with us at phone number 3065554444. We see that you were been a valuable Customer until 1892 and we thank you for servicing us! Our computers are behaving slow today! Thank you addition also for your patience! How am I for assisting to you?
ME: I am not Mrs Betty Hornsworth and that is not my phone number.
OVERCAST: I’m sorry madam, but we cannot have to be talking you together about our Mrs. Betty Hornsworth’s account unless you are having her with an authorization file on us.
ME: (beaten) Ha ha, I was just kidding around, Joe. I really am Betty Hornsworth and I work for the US National Security Agency, Lethal Unmanned Aerial Vehicle Division. We’ve been randomly monitoring Overcast’s phone calls to find a suspected terrorist in your organization. I am authorized to either talk to your
CUSTOMER SERVICE department about this investigation or I could ask you a few personal questions. Would you confirm your cell phone number and home address?
OVERCAST (within 2 microseconds): This is CUSTOMER SERVICE! How may I help you?