The cellular clinic opened four years ago with the introduction of the iDroidsung. Since then, we have treated millions for modern-day aliments, unique to a generation that refuses to live in the moment, interface with other humans and suffers from illusions of grandeur.
Cranial iDroidsung neck strain (aka. “Text Neck”): Curvature of the neck resulting from continuous strain due to looking down at mobile device. Cure: burn your iDroidsung.
Cranial iDroidsung head bump: A lesion or bruise caused from looking down at your iDroid and not paying attention where you are going. There is no cure. Keep doing it; we see it coming and it is entertaining. Sorry, but it is.
Social dis-functionary: A psychological condition arising from looking down at your iDroidsung and having no interaction with humans, even when you are with others at a restaurant, party, airport, family gathering, on a date, meeting the President. Is it really that more interesting, really? Cure: Look up, try living in the moment.
Exaggerated thumb excision: Caused from texting, sexting and overuse of thumbs in normal day to day conversation. Cure: Talk to your friends and family with your voice. I know, weird.
Princess domination: Continuous and loud conversations on your iDroidsung resulting in the feeling that everyone cares about you and your conversations, texting, and over-sharing annoyance of the public with your personal life. Cure: No one really cares; get over your bad self.
Prince domination: Same condition as the princess domination except most guys just think you are a loser and laugh at you. Keep it up; it is entertaining.
Earbud Ear Convection: Arising from pushing foreign objects into your ears for long periods of one-way conversation. Results in swollen ego and a condition that in the past was associated with dementia. It still is. Talking to your self is still talking to yourself, ear buds or not. Cure: quit talking to yourself in public.
Shoulder ear displacement: Caused from talking on your iDroidsung while holding it to your ear with your shoulder. The shoulder was never intended to be a device to hold a phone; it can barely hold a purse. Cure: hang up and call back later when your hands are free. DUH!
Selfie Stick Impalement: When you are at the event of a lifetime and you are filming yourself with a long stick in your hand with your iDroidsung attached at the other end and not paying any attention to anything but yourself. Don’t be surprised when you run into something and impale yourself. You had it coming. Cure: Seriously, you had to ask?
Eye strain minutia: The inconceivable opinion that a movie, TV show, document, or texts are better viewed on a 2-inch screen than a 500 square-foot one. The strain caused by trying to watch this insane venture or the scrolling aspect as you try to take in 500 new posts on Facebook from people you have never meet. Cure: Buy a movie ticket, PC or simply stomp on your iDroidsung.
FOMO (Fear of Missing Out) hysteria: The fear that you are missing out on something if you are not eternally connected to your phone. You are missing out on everything; nothing happens when you are on your phone by the time it gets to you it is in the PAST. Cure: Set the damn thing on fire and get out and have fun.
Angular elbow dystrophy: Elbow dysfunction due to being at 120-degree angle holding your iDroidsung to your ear for hours. Cure: take your elbow and arch it dramatically and rapidly forward with your iDroidsung still in your hands, which then should be released at the azimuth of the downward swing. (Throw the iDroidsung as far as you can, preferably into water.)
iDroidsung assault: Being on the receiving end of the iDroidsung flung from a disgruntled user. It is okay, they don’t hurt that bad. Just stomp on it and you will feel better.
The cellular clinic is open seven days a week at your convenience. You can talk to us from any landline phone if you can find one. We do not accept texts, SMS, Instagram, Pinterest pins, and no one likes us on any site.
As we say, it is all about you and only you. You will be in good hands.