The police were called to Joan’s Diner at 1414 14TH Street last night at 6:47 pm for a disturbance. Responding were Sgt. Alton Brandon and Officer Cynthia Cramer arriving at 6:51 pm. An immediate call for all available backup was sent by Sgt. Brandon upon arrival.
The cause of the commotion happened when Elliot Anderson, age 5, loudly called attention to an elderly couple apparently French kissing at a nearby table. Attempts to quiet young Anderson by his parents only drew more attention to the Andersons and the alleged public display of affection by the geriatric pair.
Allison Morrison’s dentures had broken that morning and were at a dental lab for repair. Allison and her husband Herbert were dining on the $4.95 Crab Cake Special, crab cakes on toast covered with cheese sauce, choice of vegetable and coffee. As Mrs. Morrison’s dentures were detained, she had no way to chew her chow. Her loving hubby, always anxious to please, (happy wife, happy life) took bites of her crab on a shingle, chewed it well and in a loving embrace kissed it into her mouth with his tongue.
The Morrisons, being hard of hearing paid no mind to young Anderson or the others paying mind to them. Katy Katz while screaming at the sight, choked on a boiled Brussel sprout and required a Heimlich Maneuver by her date Farmer Dell. The dislodged sprout was spewed across the dining room, hitting Mary Contrary in the face and falling down into the front of her blouse. Miss Contrary, being short of temper and not knowing from whence the offending missile came, poured her $1.65 green pea and ham soup of the day over the head of Jerry Jones sitting at the next table.
As can be expected, a general food riot broke out. Vegans and meat eaters never got into it this bad. The Palestinian and Jewish conflicts are but a parlor game in comparison. There were three scaldings, one soup and two coffee. Two black eyes, one from a fist, the other from a thrown hardboiled egg. Six broken teeth from unspecified causes. Total property damage came to $1,446.50.
During the melee, the Morrisons quietly finished their crab cake repast, left a ten dollar bill for the $9.90 total and 10 cent gratuity (lousy tippers) on the table and departed the premises just as the first squad car rounded Oak Ave. onto 14TH Street.