I was glad to hear of your retirement and I want to congratulate you on your decision. I was surprised that no pope had retired for over 600 hundred years and I couldn’t believe that all of them had been fired before their scheduled departure date, but then I did some research and found out that all the previous ones had passed away while in office. My first suggestion is to spend the winter in a warmer climate such as Florida which is a popular destination for many retirees. Naples is a lovely location and there are some exceptional pizzerias and spaghetti emporiums that might remind you of Italy. I wouldn’t recommend Venice California (high state taxes) or Rome Georgia (too many red necks).

At the seaside, the robe and mitered hat are probably not appropriate although an unobtrusive skull cap might be acceptable; but stay away from Miami Beach as you could be hit up for a donation to one of the many orthodox synagogues in that area. Although the thong swimsuit is popular in Europe, I advocate the traditional swim trunks. Logo tee shirts such as “Good-bye Tension, Hello Pension” “The Legend has Retired” or “Retired I’m Finally my Own Boss” might not be quite right for you. I advise leaving the red papal shoes at the Vatican (unless they’re waterproof) and buying a pair of flip flops.

Most retired people like to golf and you will need to take some starter lessons but be careful after a bad shot as foul language would not be compatible with your former office. Praying over short putts delays the round and is annoying to people behind you. It is desirable to obtain a membership at the local YMCA(the first initial stands for “young” even though the average age at these gyms is about 75) to pump some iron and tone your body before any strolls on the beach. Visiting flea markets is another popular past time for those who no longer work for a living but I imagine you have better sources to buy crucifixes or Virgin Mary statues. Make sure to take your nap in the early afternoon so you can arrive at the restaurants by five o’clock to take advantage of the early bird specials.

I don’t know the status of your finances but many of the retired take on a part-time job. A greeter at Wal-Mart is a popular occupation and I have observed many of the older set bagging groceries at the local Publix supermarket. A security guard is a common choice unless you have arthritis from many years of kneeling; working at a theme park or zoo driving the choo choo would be another option. I’m thinking that a handyman or a tax preparer at H&R block are not for you. With your background you should consider a seasonal Santa Claus but you would need to put on some weight and grow a beard.

I realize that you have taken an oath of celibacy but it might not be in force after retirement although I’m not an expert on canon law. Certainly I can’t see any harm in finding a lady friend for your old age. You evidently are adept with a computer and one of the online dating sites could be worth a try. Match.com or eharmony are popular but Christian mingle is your best bet; avoid JDate or Be Naughty. It would undoubtedly be a good idea to drop the Roman Numerals; Ben or Benny is less intimidating to the opposite sex. It’s well known that your Latin is fluent but very few women in this country are conversant in that language so your pickup lines should be in English possibly Spanish if you do spend some time in the south. Rent or buy a car for dating; cruising the area with the pope mobile will probably be unproductive. Don’t spend too much time talking about your infallibility particularly on the first date as this doesn’t sit too well even with the older gals these days.

I hope that the above recommendations will ease you into your retirement and when you see that white smoke go up the chimney be sure to have your bags packed, your air plane ticket in hand, your shades in place and the sun tan lotion applied and get the h— out of there.