“‘Ay Carmella, where’s the coffee?” That from Big Dom.

“We ain’t got all day to wake up, ya know!”

“The dining room don’t open till eight,” is the comeback from Carmella the cook, “And you do have all day. The only way you get out of this facility is in a box.”

“Yer wrong, Carmella, Big Dom can walk any time he wants,” replies Tony Balony, the home’s manager.

“Just remember, Dom old man, Al Cappuccino has a contract on you. Walk outta da door you meet lead, stay here you die in a bed.”

“Or die inna bed slowly poisoned by Carmella’s cooking!” Big Dom shouts.

“If Cappuccino were paying us, you’d been in a box last week! He don’t pay enough for my special diets.” answers the cook.

Where do old gangsters go when they’re too old to do gangster stuff and too young to die a natural death? The Mafia Old Folks Home, a safe haven from flying lead, hit and run drivers, Elliot Ness and black cats.

“This is beginning to sound like we’re in a HumorPress.com story,” says Carmella.

“You are in a HumorPress.com story. If I can keep this funny and under 750 words, I have a chance to win a hundred bucks, catch my drift?” Explains Lloyd joining the conversation.

Later in the day the kitchen telephone rings. “Mafia Old Folks Home kitchen, Carmella the cook.”

“Carmella baby, Frank Fazio here returning your call.”

“Frank, I think we can do business here. I want to take care of Tony Balony, our manager, and I don’t want to do it myself. In return I may be able to exercise your contract on Luigi, even exchange.”

“You’re on, baby, when can it happen?”

“Tomorrow at supper. I don’t do lead. It will be a special dinner diet.”“Good deal baby, Tony will have his appointment Friday.”

At two the next day Luigi comes storming into the room demanding to know why a black hand print is on the door of his bedroom. The black hand was an ancient Sicilian sign of doom. He already knows the meaning of the ancient symbol and almost dies of fright.

Nobody is going to be near Luigi today let alone talk to him. Carmella is already getting his special dinner diet ready. Another contract will be completed, Luigi leaves in a box, Tony Balony disappears and the Mafia Old Folks Home now has a happy cook.

Disclaimer: Almost any Italian will tell you that the mafia is a myth and doesn’t exist. The mafia has great entertainment value and this story is for entertainment purposes only. Lloyd is not my real name, I am from China and my life is not worth a piece of .22 caliber lead.