It is sad but probably accurate to say that many of you have never considered bathing in a washing machine.  You might wonder; “Can’t I just bathe in a bath tub?”  Well gee that sounds fun!  Can we also watch paint dry and eat bran muffins for the rest of our lives?

Aside from the fact that washing machine bathing is exciting, it is also a guaranteed way to get clean.  Soap and a luffa will get you clean from your average day-to-day mess, but what about those other days?  The days where you come back home with every pore clogged with tar and eyelids (most of which are yours) crusted to your forehead.  Well, there is no better way to reverse such obscenities than by bathing in your washing machine and I am here to teach you how to do this.

First things first; safety.

When I tell people to bathe in washing machines you wouldn’t believe the ridiculous nit picky questions I get like, “Oh no, what if I can’t breathe?” or “Boohoo, isn’t it dangerous to douse myself in bleach?”  Worrying about such trivial matters is a sad way to live.  Nonetheless we must take certain precautions.  For one, you must use unscented detergent.  I understand the temptation of wanting to try the vast array of scents from  “rain kissed leaves” to “cinder block seduction,” but enough is enough.  Especially during the winter months our skin can be sensitive.  Using unscented detergent can help your scales return to skin in no time.

So you’ve picked a detergent.  Now it’s time to pick a cycle.  Often people opt for the “quick rinse” but that’s no way to get road kill out of your hair.  You need to use the “bulky items load.”  This load is tough on stains but spins at a slower speed for my motion sick friends.

Now step into the washing machine.  Make sure that you contour your body to the inside of the machine.  It’s a common mistake to go into the fetal position by hugging your knees to your chest.  Do not do this.  If there is a bump in the cycle you could knee your bottom teeth into your forehead; a look that is simply out of fashion.  Once your body has contoured to the machine, you need to have the proper arm and leg placement.  Your arms should be crossed over your chest. Your left leg should be bent at the shin and tucked under your right armpit.  Your right leg should go through your mouth and out your western nostril.

Now that you’ve assumed the position it’s time for your friend that I should have told you about earlier in this article, to press the button.  You will notice a sudden jolt and your eye may fall out.  Gently ram it back into the socket and prepare to spin.  For first timers the lack of oxygen and the surplus of water in your lungs can be unsettling, but this is normal.  It only lasts 50 minutes so as long as you breathed sufficiently the week leading up to the bath, you should be fine.  If you hit your head on the side of the machine and lose consciousness, do not panic.  Just make sure you wake up before you drown.  Some people like to bring a book or music with them as they spin.

Once the cycle is over, your friend will probably let you out.  You might be a little stiff.  Slowly step out of the machine and find a couch or a bed to lay on.  It will be tempting to breathe but do not do so for at least 15 minutes.  Your lungs will not be used to the oxygen and will reject it if you do not ease into it slowly.

Now some things I need you to look out for in the aftermath of the bath are an irregular heartbeat, a counterclockwise blood flow, and newly sprouting limbs. Although most people are fine, 40% die.  The remaining 60% are completely fine but may develop paralyzing life-long conditions.  Dead or mostly alive, it does not matter.  The results are long lasting and rewarding for all who give it a go.  For a variety of reasons, once you try washing machine bathing, you’ll never go back to your old traditional ways of bathing again!