Dr. Kroaker: Why are you here today Tony?

Tony Balony: I have melloncoma. I got all the symptoms, read it all on the net. See this rash by my hibiscus?

Kroaker: That’s not your hibiscus, that’s your clavicle. Melloncoma doesn’t look like that either. That is your allergy, you’ve been eating squaw berries again.

Tony: It’s gotta be melloncoma Doc, the melloncoma website said I only have a few months to live. I even made a last will and testicle on leaglebeagle.com.

Kroaker: You are a hypocondromaniac. You see something on TV or the computer and you think you’ve got it. You paid for my big Cattlerack and if you keep coming back, I’ll be able to afford a Mercenary Bends.

Tony: I ain’t that bad Doc. I really do have that squaw berry allergy. And I do have this arm disablement and can’t work.

Kroaker: You blew out your right elbone lifting beer from the bar to your mouth and now your left elbone is almost shot. You do nothing but sit in your appointment and drink beer, watch TV and read trash on the computer.
Remember when you wanted you me to say you had hectomelaphemia so you could join that class action law suit on ambulancechaser.com?

Tony: Sure, I had all the signs. I felt so bad I made funeral arrangements.

Kroaker: Asworstos was banned before you were born. You never had a real job in your life, let alone worked in a shipyard, nuclear retractors or the heating industry. Anyone who worked around asworstos is dead already and the only people who get money from class action law suits are lawyers.

Tony: Doc, I see those things and I get afraid. What do I do? I don’t want to die of melloncoma or hectomelaphemia. Maybe I really am a hypocondromaniac. I’m too young to die, don’t you have a cure? Even ham and bacon can be cured, why can’t I be cured?

Kroaker: Let me send you in for some tests. I’m ordering brain and gizzard scans. It’s possible you may have hyperphobia. In the mean time I want you to start taking these pills.

Tony: Hmmm, minty tasting. These look like Tic-Tac’s, what are they?
Kroaker: They are antiphobia pills, take two and you’re not afraid of anything. See you in two weeks

Tony: Thanks Doc, I hope this works. See you in two weeks.

Kroaker: Nurse Julie, order another large box of Tic-Tac’s and call the Mercenary Bends dealer!