Presently, everyone seems to care about how we all got here. Scientists care because that’s what they do — figure out meaningless junk. Theologians care because if people find out the truth, they (theologians) will become extinct. Politicians care because theologians are scary people with lots of money.

And I care because I believe it is supremely important for all mankind to know where we came from. How can we know where we are headed if we know not from whence we cometh?

I’m just kidding. I really don’t care that much.

But if I have to choose, I’ll go with the evolution thing. Maybe I’m silly, but I’m going to need a little proof before I believe in a goofy story about a man and his rib, a talking snake and his apple, and a vixen and her “it’s all about me” attitude (OK, I’ll buy that last part).

Evolution, on the other hand, is far more believable. There is actual scientific evidence using bones and fossils and that kind of crap that humans located north of the Mason-Dixon Line (otherwise known as “blue states”) have actually evolved from ape-like creatures into thinking, reasoning, credit-card wielding, ape-like consumers. Without evolution it is highly unlikely that such modern miracles as cell phones and high-definition television would ever have been invented.

People located south of the Mason-Dixon Line (or “red states”), however, buy the whole Adam and Eve silliness basically because they can’t afford cell phones and high-definition televisions.

Not that signs of evolution aren’t present in the South. Country music, for instance, used to be brimming with banjos, fiddles, and songs about cheatin’. Now it is filled with guitars, violins, and songs about infidelity.

That’s one small step for red states, one giant leap for evolution.

This has all developed into a war between science and theology. Theologians (also known as “religious nuts”) want schools to fill our kids’ heads with Creationism, or what they now call “Intelligent Design.” On the other hand, scientists (also known as “guys who figure out complicated crap”) believe it is important that kids learn about something that actually could have happened.

Why is the God Squad so anti-monkey? Perhaps one must actually evolve to understand a concept like evolution. When Jerry Falwell says that terrorists crash airplanes into tall buildings because Americans embrace such evil figures as Tinky-Winky, it becomes apparent that Falwell and his buddies may have missed the evolution bus.

Granted, the idea of we humans having evolved from apes — and even lesser life forms like the Christian Coalition — is not terribly palatable. We like to think that if we have evolved at all, it has been from Chippendale Dancers and Playboy Bunnies. But that obviously hasn’t happened considering the average human is pretty ugly.

So the evolution thing doesn’t seem so crazy, does it? There’s a reason the checkout girl at the grocery store has one eyebrow. And that’s not a mohair sweater your neighbor is wearing under his tank top. And how about Tony Danza? It’s all starting to make sense, isn’t it?

Personally, I could live with the whole Adam and Eve charade if theologians could just give us a good reason why we even exist. They simply tell us that “God created us in his own image and blah, blah, blah.”

Evolution, however, provides a perfect reason for our existence.

Need I remind you about cell phones and high-definition television?