What Mommy Says: “Boys, it’s time to get ready for school. Shut that TV off, please, and let’s get your teeth brushed.”

What They Hear: “Boys, why don’t you race each other to the TV, please, knock those drinks off the coffee table, and trip over each other in an effort to be the first to push the button.”

WMS: “Bring your dishes into the kitchen please, boys.”
WTH: “Show Mommy how you can balance a plate on your head, swordfight with your forks, and dance a jig while holding your crotch with your other hand, boys.”

WMS: “Boys, does either of you need to go potty before we get into the car?”
WTH: “Boys, why don’t you see if you can both go pee at the same time without getting any on the toilet or the floor or yourselves.”

WMS: “Did you wash your hands, boys?”
WTH: “Boys, go ahead and squirt soap all over each other and the sink and floor.”

WMS: “Boys, here are your lunch boxes -– can you put them in your backpacks, please?”
WTH: “Boys, wander around the house and seek out things you can cram into your backpacks. Don’t forget your stuffed animals, super hero action figures, and the Monster Trucks that Grandma sent for Christmas. Did you get your art supplies, in case they don’t have any at school today? Okay, good, now you can yell at me because you can’t fit your lunch box into your backpacks, please.”

WMS: I know you went potty, but did you brush your teeth, boys?
WTH: Boys, run upstairs and get your Hot Wheels toothbrush because I know you certainly must be tired of using the Power Rangers one like you have been everyothermorningforthepastthreemonths! Don’t forget the detour into your bedroom to practice juggling and visit with your weapons collection, since you can’t bring any of it to school.”

WMS: “Okay, boys, good job on those teeth.”
WTH: “Okay, boys, climb up on the sink so you can admire your teeth in the mirror. Push and shove until one of you falls into the bathtub.”

WMS: “Alrighty…let’s get those coats and boots on, boys.”
WTH: “Boys, go ahead and have a boot fight while trying to figure out whose boots are whose. Never mind that baby or the window or any other fragile thing in your path.”

WMS: “Okay, okay, boys! Enough! Just.Go.Out.The.Door. Baby and I are right behind you!”
WTH: “Okay, okay, boys! Shuffle your feet and bounce off the porch walls and each other on the way out to the driveway. Try to squeeze through the door at the same time. Drop your backpacks in the snow next to the car. Then hide! Hide! Hide! Quick!

WMS: “Boys, where are you!? IT’S.TIME.TO.GO! Baby’s already in the car!”
WTH: “Boys, let’s put on a show for that line of traffic waiting at the blinking light.”

WMS: “C’mon, boys! I don’t want to be late for work!”
WTH: “C’mon boys! I’m always late for work!” (I know they think this because I overheard Mark telling his teacher, “Mommy’s always late for work,” which is not true, you can ask my manager.)

WMS: “Phew. Finally! Boys, what do you think we could do to make it easier to get out the door in the morning?”
WTH: