To understand and appreciate the scientific principles underlying Creationism, it’s important to understand the advanced math behind it. For some this can be far too challenging, and as a result, they turn to simplified theories such as evolution, which cannot be backed up by advanced math, or any math for that matter, and for the most part rests on a foundation of nothing more than blind faith. And everyone knows that faith is one thing, and science something else entirely.

It’s time to look at the science and math behind Creationism. Let’s start at the beginning, where, interestingly enough, math itself first started. As everyone knows, everything starts with somebody starting it. Nothing starts by itself, unless you have misread the instructions and assembled it improperly.

So there must be a first cause, or as they say in science circles, Point A. You can’t get any more scientific than Point A. It’s mentioned in every physics book I ever read. Our Point A (okay, it’s another way to say our Intelligent Designer) started where every good story starts, with a plucky and sometimes funny first man and first woman we can root for -– Adam and Eve.

Adam and Eve learned quickly the splendid value of math — from the animals of course -– particularly how to multiply. In fact, they performed this seminal math function with great obsessiveness for many years, until Eve started getting bedtime headaches.

After this multiplication phase, Adam and Eve looked around for grandparents to leave all these children with, creating math’s first subtraction problem. They discovered that they never had mothers and fathers, and this caused a great deal of stress on the both of them, particularly when Adam’s night out with the wolverines coincided with Eve’s Tree of Knowledge studies and there was no one to watch the kids.

When eldest son Cain provided his math solution for subtraction, Adam and Eve banned Cain from further math studies and from family reunions.

Eve sought inspiration for these math problems at the only place she could, her beloved Tree of Knowledge. There they discovered a new math problem: division. Adam had accused Eve of taking up with another garden creature, and the once-happy couple split up, with Adam feeling deeply wronged, given that he hadn’t even recovered fully from his rib surgery, and with Eve stuck with some forty or more children.

Cain continued to subtract other siblings, except for a sister he married, followed up quickly by other sisters he married, and so on, calling this novel marital situation, addition, further complicating Creationist math.

When Cain’s mischievous addition problems continued, multiplication and subtraction reached scandalous proportions, and more division could not be helped. Finally, Cain’s wives took their babies and left Cain with nothing. Cain was never heard from again, inventing another new math concept that his wives called zero.

Compare the logic of this advanced math to the math the evolutionists have handed down to us: after a billion trillion random mutations, fish become iguana and iguana become mammals, and mammals start to walk upright, but right back into the ocean to become dolphins and whales, presumably because they couldn’t get the sand out of their hair.

I don’t know about you, but I need some science with my theories. The mammals going back into the water story has been a lovely fairy tale I don’t mind reading to the children, but I’m afraid this is not science.

If you’re happy with the construction of everything on your person — for example, your eyes sitting nicely in their sockets right where you’d want your eyes to be; your nose spot on where it’s supposed to be (if it were in any other place, we’d look silly) — then you owe it to yourself to thank the Intelligent Designer, and stop chasing after our imaginary tail because we think we once had one. We didn’t.

Now, I think it’s pretty clear that the Intelligent Designer isn’t designing any more, so this is all we’re going to get. So don’t be waiting around for the next century or the next millennium for evolution to give you bigger brains or stronger muscles or even a cuter smile. It just won’t happen. This is it! Just ask the monkeys! They’ll tell you. They’re perfectly happy just as they are, living in trees and bathing only for parties.

They’ll also tell you to stop saying we’re related to them. They hate that more than we do.