Like a trumpeter who has lost his lip, I’m a chick who has lost her hip. Not the skeletal ball/joint variety (my post-pom pomming pelvis is just fine, thank you very much!) I refer instead to the metaphorical hip. Translation: I can no longer distinguish the cool from the drool. Particularly where movie stars are concerned.

In the good old days, cool men were easy to identify: Clark Gable, Gary Cooper, Cary Grant. Hunky, lanky and swanky. No confusion. No debate. If you didn’t find this trio attractive you were probably a little unsteady in the stilettos, so to speak. Not that that’s a bad thing!

But today, male movie stars are, well, less star-ish, shall we say. Less hunky, less lanky, less swanky. Less everything. More like boy-men or man-boys or some mutant variation thereof.

Despite a roster of allegedly macho modern day heartthrobs it’s difficult to find one who starts my motor, races my engine, shifts my gears, overheats my transmission, realigns my chassis (please insert your favorite NASCAR euphemism here).

Brad Pitt is considered a stud, but corner him in a boxing ring with Clark Gable and who do you think will be left standing at the final bell? I can much more easily envision Pitt ‘kissing the canvas’ than kissing me.

Imagine Gary Cooper and Leonardo DiCaprio on horseback turned loose at Medieval Times. Who do you think will be eating sawdust before the jousting and feasting is over?

Need to be rescued from Mt. Rushmore? You know Cary Grant can get the job done AND seduce you while hanging precariously from a rocky cliff. Do you really have the same confidence in Tom Cruise? Just think how goofy he looked atop Oprah Winfrey’s sofa; can he really be trusted at altitudes of 5000 feet?

Here’s a quiz -– can you remember what Brad Pitt’s voice sounds like? Bet you can’t. But you probably know exactly how Clark Gable sounds, with that deep pitched masculine gravely voice growling, “Frankly, Scarlett, I don’t give a damn.” Gary Cooper’s man-of-few-words cowboy drawl is unforgettable and Cary Grant’s voice is so memorable it’s imitatable but what do you really recall about the boytoys of today? That they’re prettier than you are?

Then there’s the beefcake test. For all the ladies out there trying to shed a few extra pounds, do you truly feel confident that Brad Pitt could hoist you up the staircase to ecstasy at Tara in Gone With the Wind the way Clark Gable did? You know Gable had the muscle to move you, no matter how many donuts you had for breakfast, but somewhere in the back of your mind you envision the same scene with Pitt snapping like a twig, tumbling down the steps and ending up in a body cast. Eroticism goes right out the window once you realize you’re capable of disabling your fantasy lover.

Yet, with the hunks of yesteryear in Hollywood heaven, what’s a gal to do? Call in the reserves, of course – Sean Connery, Clint Eastwood and James Garner.

Despite their senior status they can still outman the manboys, with one arthritic hand tied behind their backs. Connery’s voice retains its aphrodisiac quality, Eastwood looked pretty steamy in the bathtub with Meryl Streep, and James Garner is James Garner. Despite the age gap, Pitt, DiCaprio and Cruise wouldn’t stand a chance in a showdown with James Bond, Dirty Harry and Rockford. (Who sounds cooler, Mr. Smith or 007?!)

But if you still think my retro male theory is outdated just keep this in mind – if Brad Pitt cheated on someone as babelicious as Jennifer Aniston what chance would you have of keeping him happy? Suddenly a monogamous meat-and-potatoes guy like James Garner looks pretty good. Maybe even hip, despite his artificial hip. At least you won’t have to worry about Angelina Jolie. Unless you want to. Not that that’s a bad thing!