Little did I know, the diet would turn out to be emotionally devastating. So, I needed to lose a few pounds. I had thought about my approach and decided on the strictest diet possible. This would be the route to a figure worthy of a new swimsuit. Keeping a diary is very important for a Herculean pursuit such as this.

Thursday evening:

I drove to the health food store with heroic urgency. I was encouraged to buy: a digital scale with fat index, the book, The Fabulous World of Fiber, protein shakes, colon cleanse, and multi vitamins. I was guaranteed to lose ten pounds in one week. Guaranteed! Excitement overtook the loss of the $300.00 I spent.

Diary – Day 1

5:00 am. I woke up one hour early to do cardio exercises before going to work.

5:05 am. I went back to sleep. Must not overdo on first day.

6:30 am. I got ready for work. Drank first protein shake. Oh my God! This stuff is terrible! Took colon cleanse, three vitamins, and drank 8 ounces of water.

7:00 am. I pulled car over to use public bathroom at Grocery Mart.

7:45 am. Late for work. I spoke to my boss. She was quite displeased with my tardiness. I tried to explain, but needed to rush to the restroom.

9:00 am. Consumed sickening, oaty tasting, protein shake. I got a bit dizzy and drank the shake two hours early. Reminder – drink one less shake today.
I took one colon cleanse and chased it with twelve ounces of water. I believe I may have to move my computer into the women’s bathroom.

1:00 pm, Drank a stupid protein shake! Why do they call it a shake? It has no desirable flavor, it is not cold and frothy. It stinks! Took another colon cleanse, what the hell do I have left to cleanse? Drank twelve more ounces of disgusting, tasteless, water. Went to the bathroom three more times. I missed my lunch break because my boss noticed all of my trips to the restroom and counted them as my lunch. I hate her!

3:00 pm. Drank more disgusting, putrid, stench, stagnant water! My stomach hurts! I hate everyone! They eat their cookies and drink their lattes with such delight in my pain. I hate them!

5:00 pm. Drove home. Stupid traffic! Stupid water! Stupid colon cleanse!
I got a speeding ticket as I went 20 mph over the limit. I tried to explain to the officer that I needed a restroom. He looked at me as though I were crazy! He gave me a ticket for $150.00. I hate him!

6:00 pm. I got in my stupid house! I tore down the pictures of skinny girls in cute bikinis, shredded my book, flushed my pills and threw my scale out into the parking lot. I got in my car and drove over it, four times! After the most emotionally exhausting day of my life, I ordered three pizzas. Ahhhhhh.” “