According to Homeowner’s World, people will risk their
lives to re-enter a burning house to save their family’s photo albums. The thought of losing baby photos, precious milestones, and the secret photocopies of your butt on the copier at work, cause regular folks to dash, fists clenched, knowing they could possible scorch their sideburns if not, fry to death.

That’ll never happen at our house. For two reasons; just like the clean towels, I’m the only one that seems to know where the photo albums are. I could make stepping stones out of them on the front lawn and the kids and dad’ll accuse me of not being sentimental enough.

I’ve bought every lousy picture that my kids knowingly posed for in a school setting. The minute those goldenrod notices are sent home from the school office encouraging them to “Look Your Best, We’ll Do the Rest” is a parents’ cue to get your kids teeth straightened or at least schedule the rhinoplasty. Doing otherwise, you can consider yourself a negligent parent.

There’s no such thing as a simple picture – you’re not going to be let off sending in a check for the Basic Package that includes a class pix with the cardboard cutout of the principal. No, now you have options and sitting styles to choose from:

Standard Package #1:
Includes 3 standard individual shots of your child, no retouching or airbrushing is done. Retakes are not allowed even if your child’s eyes are closed or half his face is missing from the picture. This is the best package to buy if you’re looking for a ‘no frills’ kind of deal. These are inexpensive and good to use in Christmas cards to distant relatives who are incarcerated.

Premium Package #2
In this package you get a choice of 2 backgrounds of either a faux forest scene with a startled deer peering between the trees, or, a canoe on a lake scene with realistic facial expressiosn of it’s inhabitants faces as they approach the upcoming Falls. A class picture is also included for an extra $10 or you can opt for the aerial view of the custodial staff posing near the air ducts on the administration building.

Deluxe Package #3
This package is for the parent who wants only the best for their child. These poses will reflect a thoughtful yet natural-like expression using props and if necessary, historic weapons.

Yes, these photos will grace the walls of your home and of the child’s grandparents, long into the future when grandma won’t even notice she’s hanged the photo upside down in the bathroom.
Your child will pose in fun, yet natural poses that express his/her personality and budding vulgarity.

(A Note to Our Returning Customers””: This year, the skull and crossbones with leather vest option has been discontinued.

Yes, even the class photo in front of the faded cafeteria is thing of the past. When I was in 4th grade, we used principals’ pick up for a backdrop. My daughter’s kindergarten class picture resembled a scene from Pimp My Ride. The class mother at the time, knew the manager at the local Hummer dealership. So all the kids stood around posing in 95 degree weather, leaning up against cars bigger than their homes, scratching the paint off with their fingernails. Of course we bought the airbrushed package for $99.00.

If we should have a house fire, I’ll still make a grab for the photo albums – some of my best hairstyles are in there. Before I had kids I could afford a stylist unlike the $13 cuts I now sport that make me look like David Cassidy.