In June, American Airlines began charging passengers $15 for the first checked bag on domestic flights.

AA (which should stand for Antagonistic Airways) already has an unhappy face in my book for their meals-for-money policy. It’s bad enough that they make you pay for food on a cross-country flight, but to make you pay exorbitant prices for the same nuke-in-bag chicken sandwich you used to get for free?

You might think it couldn’t get any worse, but using my Law & Order-taught investigative skills I’ve uncovered some yet-unannounced charges and penalties coming soon to an unlocked tray table near you:

1) Penalty for not keeping your seat in a full, upright position when asked: $5-per-incident.
(Seats that are found upright, but not full: $3 penalty)

2) Charges for use of front seat pouch items:

• Boring magazine: $7
• Interesting magazine: $10
• Emergency evacuation manual: $3
• Previous passenger’s unfinished food items: $1.50
• Barf bag: $2
(Can be applied toward $10 barfing fee)
• Sky Mall: $5
(Can be a applied toward the purchase of a genuine replica Harry Potter wand or ceramic backyard critter)

3) Seat Reclining Fees: $1 per inch

4) Pilot Humor Tax: $5 flat fee

5) Footwear Removal Fee: $10 per shoe
($5 no-sock penalty)

6) Flight Attendant “Emergency Exits” Performance Gesture Fee: $2

7) Overhead Storage Fee: $5-$15, depending on how much your item “settled during flight.”

8) Premium Service Add-ons:

• Ice: $2
• Full can of soda: $5
• Napkin: $2
• Pillow/blanket: $10 each
• Waking you up: $1
• Not waking you up: $5
• Smile: $2.50 per incident

9) Offspring Volume Penalty: $1 per decibel

10) Headphone Fees*:

• Rental fee: $5
• Adjustment fee: $2
• Activation fee: $2
• Excessive cerumen fee: $2

*All prices per ear.

11) Bathroom Fee: $2 per minute after the first minute
(No-flush penalty: $5)

12) Call-Button Fee: $1-$25, depending on level of request idiocy
(Maximum $25 fee for still not knowing how your seatbelt works)

13) Hijacking Fee: $1000 per passenger

14) “Divine Copilot Fee” for coincidental presence of clergy on flight: $25
(Atheist discount: $5)