I won’t waste your time with untruths of how I love the beach and the outdoors. I hate the beach and the gritty sand that inevitably ends up in secret places. Thanks to my exercise-induced asthma, I’m not going to suggest a hike or a nature walk. I do have tattoos and I’ll probably get more, but I am not into slobs who rock NASCAR t-shirts. I do own a nice car/house that I recently bought from a now-homeless man. In my spare time, I am actively seeking employment.

The truth is, I have frequently been the object of desire to many men. The next lucky man could be you. In fact, right at this moment I’ll bet you are sitting in the pale blue flickering light of your computer screen, browsing your options. You’ve exhausted all the ads with photos—a smiley brunette, one with full-on cleavage, a bikini-clad blond, a Goth girl with fangs and crimson lipstick. Now, in a wave of plummeting self-esteem, you’ve moved on to the photo-less blurbs, telling yourself we can’t all be one of Shrek’s cousins. Well, I can assure you, I’m not fat or ugly, as long as you are not judgmental or picky. I won’t sit here and pretend I’m some runway model with legs like Popsicle sticks. I might not know anything about fashion, but I see the way the Mall people are always looking and pointing at me, adoring my outfits. I’ve got it going on.

I dislike cooking, and since waiting has never been my thing, I prefer my date to call ahead and reserve a spot for us in the buffet line. Chocolate is comforting on my dark days when I cannot get out of bed. Thanks to my new medication, the dark days come less frequently and with less intensity. As far as making love is concerned, I believe it should be special, and therefore saved for meaningful events like vacations, leap year, or a solar eclipse.

In the past, I have dated religious people and drunks, a few of whom were not the same person. I don’t mind if you drink, because I do, but I hear sobriety is good, too, if that’s something you’d like to try and I won’t judge you for it. Or, if you must drink, try not to stagger when you meet my parents, which by the way will be the same night we meet and fall in love. Do not be put off by my father’s lazy eye or how often my mother uses quote, “air quotations”, unquote. They are good folk and have made peace with their victims. But, that story doesn’t belong here.

I am not looking for stepchildren, so if you have them, it would be best if their mother had full custody. Concerning pets, I am allergic to cats and dogs, so reptiles are better as long as you’re willing to clean the cages and feed them. I prefer men who are handy around the house and can fix things and open jars.

I don’t do well in social settings, family gatherings, or crowds. That includes movie theatres, amusement parks, and Church. You should own a boat or be willing to buy a boat. I will send photos but once you have my photos, do not use them elsewhere as they are copyrighted by me. I don’t dance and music is not something I care about, unless you’re into music in which case I might be into some of it. I prefer to watch movies that feature women characters defeating men at various tasks.

My friends would describe as someone they can’t really describe. I do want to get married someday, but not in a Church with creepy organ music and stained glass pictures of Jesus and other hippies. I am not a smoker or an ex-smoker, I am a never-smoker, and I don’t mind if you smoke, so long as you don’t respond to this ad or come anywhere near me. In fact, if you would be so kind, please exhale on another planet.

Drop me a line and let’s see where this goes. Hope to hear from you.