There is a world-wide economic recession, the Big Three automakers are on the brink of bankruptcy and Bernard Madoff has stolen your entire life savings. Everywhere you look, it’s the same old story: no one has any money coming in. Somehow, you have to feed yourself and your children. What do you do? Don’t wait for President Obama to save your soul, brother. You have to take matters into your own hands, sooner rather than later. “Yes we can,” by being entrepreneurial and taking some risks while avoiding consequences. These are a few of the many ways to earn a little extra money until the economy improves in five years’ time…

1. GETAWAY DRIVER: Any experienced robbin’ crew will tell you that an efficient getaway driver is the key to pulling off a successful job. Don’t do the actual robbery yourself – that will get you 20 Upstate in a hurry. Instead, drive the getaway car. If you are caught, let the entrepreneur trapped inside you come out. Tell the police that you will testify against your brother who did the actual robbery in exchange for full immunity. It’s always better that your own brother goes to prison than you goes to prison. Remember, desperate times call for desperate measures.

2. REFUND SCAM # 1: Phony refunds are one of the best ways to earn money during these hard economic times. Go to Wal-Mart and look for two similar items, one with a high price and the other with a low price. Purchase the lower priced item for cash. Then go back to the same Wal-Mart and remove the price sticker on the higher priced item. After reaching home, take the higher priced sticker and stick it on the item you purchased. Then take that item back to Wal-Mart for a refund. NOTE: Check with your lawyer who normally bails you out of jail to see if stealing a price sticker is illegal in your jurisdiction. Remember, desperate times call for desperate measures.

3. REFUND SCAM # 2: Have your teenage daughter get a cashier’s job at Target. Take a bunch of items from the store through her checkout line. Have her scan a few of the low cost items and pay for those and let her give you the other items for free. Then take those items you got for free to another Target for a refund. If you get caught, let your daughter take the entire rap. She is likely to be let off with a small fine, whereas you’re looking at spending some of the most productive years of your life with Bubba in The Big House. Don’t get bogged down in emotional sentimentality or morality just because you allowed your just-as-guilty daughter to take the rap for your deviousness. Remember, desperate times call for desperate measures.

4. NON-HUMAN KIDNAPPINGS: Forget kidnapping human beings—your conscience won’t allow it and the chance of getting caught are too high. Instead kidnap some rich person’s adorable pets or inanimate objects from their front lawn. Don’t be too greedy and ask for a hundred grand for the rich lady’s prized Pomeranian—she’s not THAT attached to Poochie. Most of these rich old ladies will pay up if you ask for a reasonable ransom. Once you have gotten good at kidnapping pets, you can graduate to kidnapping items from companies. For example, you could ‘nap the Coca-Cola signboard and ask for a hefty ransom. Those executives at Coke are paranoid about their trademarked items, and they will usually pay up without calling the FBI. Remember, desperate times call for…

5. YET ANOTHER PONZI SCHEME: You can bank on people’s greed to make Citibank from yet another pyramid scheme. Take $100 from Investor A and promise him a 30% return on investment (ROI). Then take $100 from Investor B and promise him the same ROI. At this point, you have to pay Investors A and B $60 in interest and you have already spent $140 of the $200 you received from them. So what you do is take $100 from Investor C and use $60 of that money to pay interest to Investors A and B, and keep another $40 for yourself. Look, if Bernie Madoff can pull off a 50 billion dollar Ponzi scheme, “yes you can” surely pull off a one million dollar Ponzi scheme. Remember, desperate times … Amen brother!

NOTE: For all the jobs mentioned – AVOID CONTACT WITH LAW ENFORCEMENT AT ANY COST. I cannot emphasize this enough!