(Author’s last name withheld by request.)

In the beginning, God decided he was lonely and wanted a friend capable of carrying on an intelligent conversation. He created man and he introduced himself as Adam and they got along famously. Soon, though, God saw that this guy had special needs and after creating every conceivable creature for his special need He finally settled on woman, albeit with grave misgivings.

Sure enough God’s fears were realized when the woman decided that what she had wasn’t enough and set her sights on the one tree in the place that she didn’t own. Unlike a lot of men today Adam actually had some cojones and told the woman the game was today and he wasn’t arguing with God over one stupid tree. The woman was mad but there WAS this authority thing going on between Adam and God and so she wandered off to look at her heart’s desire while Adam and God watched the kick off.

The woman was pining away when the snake dropped by and said “Why the long face?” She told him the prob and the snake suggested that God was being a bit heavy handed about this particular dietary requirement. The snake said he heard from a friend of his cousin’s that if Eve ate the apple God knew she would have THE POWER to make Adam’s life a living hell and that God was really just molly coddling the boy. Eve ripped off an apple and took a bite. She saw that indeed she felt more powerful. The snake suggested that if Adam were to have a bite it would have the opposite effect on him and Eve, thinking Adam could be helping around the house a little more anyway, went to get him.

The snake bade her to hurry, as halftime was coming and he had special plans for the show. Eve found Adam in front of the TV and (while God was in the kitchen whippin up wings for the second half) said she had something special to show him. He told her he had already seen it and couldn’t it wait until after the game? She checked her anger and said no it wasn’t that, it would just take a minute and he wouldn’t miss any of the game (check’s in the mail). Adam decided he didn’t want to see Janet and Justin anyway and so he followed her to the tree.

She asked him to eat the fruit and he said are you nuts? (Rhetorical question) But the snake had taught Eve a new tactic called nagging and as the second half kickoff drew closer Adam ate just to shut her up.

God roared from the kitchen when he ran out of Frank’s but Adam and Eve thought that He was mad about the apple and so they hid. When the kick off came and Adam was nowhere in sight, God went to find him and saw that he was now dressed. God said, “What’s the deal Adam? I told you this weekend was casual.” Adam said that his wife dressed him this morning. God turned to Eve and she pointed at the snake and said “he told me where to shop. The snake, who had been whistling and casually sliding by in an attempt to leave the garden, was suddenly stopped when he felt God’s foot on his tail. He looked up and God said, I told you T.J. Maxx sucked. But since you think you know high fashion, you’ll view it from a low position from now on.

So God kicked them all out of the garden knowing full well he had missed the second half. Adam and eve stopped and looked back to see two massive angels with fierce looking swords guarding the entrance.

Eve looked at Adam and said, “This is all your fault.”