It happens to all guys, and it will happen to you. Heck, it HAS happened to you. You’re strolling down the street hand in hand with your beloved, when suddenly her grip stiffens, her speech becomes staccato, and then five minutes later, when your mind is on something else, she growls, “Back there, when we walked by the bank. You looked.”
Puzzled, you inquire, “Looked honey?”
“You know…” she bites.
“No, really I don’t!”
She barks, “That short skirted trollop. YOU looked.”
Flustered, because you know you’ve been caught, you explain, “Pumpkin… honey… hey, I was just, er, admiring the profundity of the cash-point’s graffiti. And how could one not be moved by the refined craftsmanship that went into those expletives.” Her grip weakens, pace quadruples, and you spend the next twelve hours trying to excuse yourself for being, well, a man. Although, admittedly, the first hour is spent trying to catch her up.
At first, amazement. I mean, you’ve just spent 4 hours watching her squeeze into Macys’ entire winter wardrobe. And did she notice the subtle glances at your watch? Or the sighs? Or that in a desperate attempt to stay conscious you insanely replied “yes” when a sales assistant queried, “Can I help?” Oh no – she was oblivious to all that. But the nanosecond your eyes make contact with another woman’s pins: bang! – you’re busted.
You see, the pioneers of the mini skirt didn’t like seeing women’s legs – they liked watching men walk into lampposts. And the reason travelling by plane is safer than the car has nothing to do with pilot training, precision engineering, or the sky being less busy than the road. It’s because clouds don’t come with adverts picturing women in their bras.
Research says that men adopt a range of glance behaviour:
1. The “Pretend you’re looking at something else” glance.
Even a boring object becomes tantalisingly stimulating when it’s adjacent to an attractive woman. Such objects act as a cover if you’re caught, and, thankfully, the most soulless inanimate junk will suffice – even a city banker. Some dermatologists only joined the profession because they were once caught checking out a “right little stunner” and told their girlfriend that they were, in fact, dazzled by the sensual aesthetics of a nearby accountant’s wart.
2. The “I’ve been caught and need a cover story” glance.
Upon being caught, the embarrassed male will desperately look around, trying to create the impression that he was really just searching for something else. Typical signs are loud remarks such as, “Damn it, where the hell is Princess Alexandra, my pet toucan?” If quizzed, it helps to have a rudimentary knowledge of exotic birds, although this is not essential provided you divert attention by convincingly stating, “Oh, I guess she must have been chomped by my pet crocodile, Martin. Thinking about it, I haven’t seen him for a while either.”
It’s problematic for men if their eyes are constantly darting back and forth, because it makes mixing with people awkward. One chap, concerned that bystanders would notice, asked his GP if there was a remedy. Now, he only socialises at the tennis.
3. The “Your wife wrongly accuses you of glancing” glance.
Infuriating because, damnations, it was a missed opportunity.
4. The “Nametag on the chest” glance.
Ladies, at conferences you often pin your nametag onto your chest. But trust me, the reason guys keep glancing near the tag isn’t amnesia. Of course, gents, if you do have amnesia then such women will now (at least after reading this) consider you a letch. But on the plus side, at least you’ll quickly forget why the left side of your face keeps stinging.
5. Mick’s case
Psychologists studied the case of Mick, who was about to undergo life saving surgery. The chances of death were high, he’d just sobbed farewell to his family, and his little girl kissed him tenderly, possibly for the last time.
Question: What did they conclude Mick was most likely to have been thinking when he was given the anaesthetic?
Answer: “Oh boy! I can see down that nurse’s top.”
WARNING: When a wife catches her husband “eyeing up” another woman, the usual response is loud aggressive clearing of the throat. Apparently, this led to one poor woman suffering rib injuries while strolling with her husband. The facts are sketchy, but it appears they’d walked by a beauty parade, and a concerned bystander raced to perform the Heimlich manoeuvre.