Here is an example of a fast joke. Pete (me) is not sure if he is ready for a child yet, but he wants to practice trying to have one more. Entire joke is right there and I can move on. I then thought well maybe I stretch it out and take the reader on a journey. I could slowly drag them up a mountain of suspense and then go for a bigger punch line. Maybe this?

Last weekend I visited a college friend that recently bought a house. Good for him, he has a beautiful wife and even one of those kid things. I just don’t have much in common with kids yet. We can get along great for an hour or two. They are an easy audience if happy and in daylight. I could try new material or do bad juggling. I have the ability to keep the balls circling for at least 11 seconds before dropping them. Kids love watching the balls circle and then find it hysterical when they hit the ground and scatter everywhere.

Later, though, after the common laughs are over, we usually have a difference of opinion and go separate ways. They get cranky and want to watch cartoons while screaming about having to brush their teeth. Perhaps I attempt the never-ending dream of finding multiple hot girls at a bar and taking them all home. Well, that’s when the problem arises because the kid’s need trumps your own. I could go out and be perfectly fine but yet the child, not so much.

I even recall my friend had to plan my visit in advance by scheduling babysitters. My scheduling began the night before when I threw various floor dwelling clothes into a bag. My responsibility level is much lower. It’s good enough for low maintenance plants that I remember to water approx once a week. Sometimes it’s twice a week or sometimes once a month we are talking average here. I have this bad habit of remembering to water it at times when I am unable to. Say I’m working or donating time at a soup kitchen, I’ll think to myself, damn, I haven’t watered my plant in ages. Don’t worry though, when I finally remember I’ll spoil it with bottled water.

I have tampered with idea of giving it something to enhance its taste buds like soda or a mimosa but have yet to follow through. In theory that sounds great but I am nervous that the plants share the same desire for complex liquids. Perhaps I’ll let nature take the first step and wait until it rains other fluids besides water.

Anyway, with a kid you can’t be negligent for a week or two but try making it up by taking it to the amusement park for a roller coasters and a stuffed animal. Sure the kid would love the tradeoff because they are only able to process the fun part of the deal but they don’t understand the consequence. I’d have to be the adult and be skeptical they would not have the adaptability of a cactus.

That is not even considering the risk factor of social services arresting me for child abandonment. You can use discarded plants for compost or flush a dead fish and never have to fear criminal charges. A child though, society has a problem with disposing of ones you failed with regardless how much you promise to be better next time. I learn from mistakes and would never do the same error twice, but something about children and second chances doesn’t flow that well with the public.

After putting this in perspective I place myself on the level of owning a plant, small fish, a camel or a highly independent cat. A puppy would be able to live in my care but not thrive. I think as an overall, (drum roll please) I am not sure I am ready for a child, but I sure as hell want to go out and practice trying to have one.

Looking back, that explaining didn’t work. Well. I was perfectly satisfied with my one line joke. Instead, I now look like an irresponsible loser cannot care for children because his top priorities are getting drunk and womanizing. In my simple joke I was just witty and nobody was aware of my faults. Adding more words is not in my best interest and learned a lesson. Too many chefs, is that the relevant analogy?