My Mother-in-law likes to forward e-cautionary tips, and all manner of advice for hysteria-loving folk. Below review some safety tips I pray none of us ever need to utilize.
Stay the hell away from conversion vans period (serial killers).
Don’t sit alone in your car in a dark parking lot balancing your checkbook (or counting huge stacks of cash, or appraising diamonds).
If someone locks you in a trunk kick out the taillights, poke your arms through the holes, and wave them around madly to attract attention. Hopefully you attract the attention of people other than kids on a school bus laughing hysterically and waving back, or toddlers in car seats quietly murmuring “hi…hi” to themselves in response to your desperate flails.
If someone has a gun to your head and demands you to drive, smash your car as hard as you can so your airbags go off. If the gunman is in the back seat, supposedly he gets auto-ejected. If he’s in the front seat its literally a crapshoot. If he’s in the car seat just threaten to take away some of his screen time.
If someone shoots at you RUN. Preferably in a zigzag pattern. Most people are perfectly capable of running in a zigzag pattern while they’re in shock. It will make you a harder target, as the assailant will laugh uncontrollably. Unfortunately he will proceed to hold you hostage and make you continue zigzagging over and over for him and all his thug-buddies.
If you hear a crying baby outside your house, it’s probably a serial killer standing outside with a boom box playing a tape-recorded cassette tape of a crying baby. Whatever you do, don’t open your door. However, if you have a mail slot in your door you could consider tossing him some Manheim Steamroller Classical Gas to calm both he and the baby while you wait for the police to arrive.
If someone mugs you, throw your wallet and run the other way (but if you hit him with it he’s going to be PISSED).
Be especially wary of a limping man with a cane, who asks you for help. He’s probably preying on your feminine tendency toward sympathy. You might want to throw your wallet. If he takes off running, why you’d better run, too. Preferably in a zig-zag pattern.