When you move to a new place, one of the first things you have to do is meet and make friends with the neighbors. This can be a tricky process but there are a few things you can do to make it go smoothly. For starters, you can knock on their door and ask whoever answers if they want to help you move your stuff into your house. If they say yes, neat, but if they say no then just remind them that you’re going to be living next door and then sort of act like you might want to kill them.

So, now that they’re helping you move your stuff into your house, the next thing you have to do is check how friendly they are. A simple test is to tell them to carry in your washing machine and bathtub while you carry in a ball of yarn or something. Just sort of walk a step in front of them and stare back to see what kind of facial expressions they’re making.

Once you’ve assessed their level of friendliness, the next thing you have to do is make sure they don’t have any sort of anger management issues. After all, you’re going to be living next to this person, you want to know what they would do if you accidentally stole their refrigerator or unknowingly threw a brick at their horse.

So, to check to see if they have anger issues just playfully run them over with your car while their carrying your stuff. Be sure to give a little smirk to make sure they know you were just kidding. Most likely they’ll give a little smile back as if to say, “I love you”, but if they don’t then you’ll know you have a real bad apple on your hands.

In this situation don’t panic, just simply tell them that you don’t really much care for them and, once they’re done carrying your stuff in, they might as well just go home. They’ll probably start crying and try to butter you up by saying things like their leg is broken or something. Let them throw their little tantrum, you’re not playing their game.

So, now that you have assessed the predisposition of your neighbor, the next thing to do is check their degree of understanding. Who wants to be friends with someone that won’t even let you use their pet gerbil as a drain plug for your sink?

The way I would test for understanding in a neighbor would be to put on some old dirty clothes, smear ketchup on my face and hands, and then go roll around in the dirt. Once this is done simply go knock on your neighbor’s door and tell them you were trampled by their horse. If they start giving you lame excuses like they don’t even have a horse then you know exactly what kind of person they really are. As a rule of thumb, just remember, everyone has a horse.

So there you have it in a nutshell. After you’ve ran these simple tests on your neighbor you’ll know if they’re worth the time or whether you need to make them move out so that you may have a new neighbor.