For those of you who have a long way to go before Medicare Part Z, you may not fully appreciate toilet paper, a.k.a., toilet tissue. For those of us who have ever winced at the bucket of corn cobs in the corner of the outhouse, or noted only the slick shiny pages of the Sears Catalogue are left, toilet paper is the greatest invention, ever.

It is also the perfect Christmas gift. I will purchase only American made products for Christmas and the one thing that I have found to be solely made in America is toilet paper. Who wouldn’t appreciate knowing that there was an ample supply of the round little white “tires” stashed in the hall gift closet, especially when you were staring at an empty cardboard tube in your time of need? After all, it’s practical, non-seasonal, and one size fits all, well most.

Toilet tissue is also the most underused advertisement medium. It is located in every private and public building in this country. Why not put your message on the paper roll that keeps on turning?

I am surprised that politicians haven’t caught on to this mass means of advertisement. The novelty companies certainly have. Imagine printing your opponents name on every rectangular sheet of toilet paper. Those who support your opponent will buy it by the car loads. Those who support you will buy it to symbolically “wipe” out your opponent. In either scenario, your war chest will be full.

Besides being an excellent advertising medium, toilet paper is an excellent means of protection against natural and man made disasters. Closets stacked floor to ceiling with the soft rounds have been approved by The Weather Channel as a secure place to be during a tornado, hurricane, earthquake, or missile attack. The rolls absorb the impact of the blast; plus, they are close at hand when you are having the…stuffing….scared out of you at the time. Serving double duty, so to speak.

The only downside to this product is that it has yet to go totally green. There is something about seeing “Toilet tissue, made from recycled paper” that causes me to reach for a different package.

There have been improvements to this product over the years. For one thing commercial toilet tissue now comes in giant rolls the size of a car tire inside locked metal wheels and securely bolted to the walls. To compensate for the additional weight, the roll width has been narrowed to mere ribbons and definitely not suitable for wide bodies.

A walk down the paper goods aisle at your local grocery store will give you a sense of the wide variety of tissue available these days. You can purchase regular, double, or even triple mega rolls. There’s quilted, super strong, extra soft, embossed, scented, single layer, double layer, and some with a touch of aloe.

The penny wise shopper is hard pressed to find the best bargain. Super strong may cost less, but it may be only one layer requiring twice as much for a single event. Extra soft may be doubled layered but with sheets that are narrower than others, it may not be a bargain. Embossed looks pretty and the sheets may be wider, but there are fewer squares per roll. Scented may be single layered, wide enough, the same size as embossed but upon closer examination the hole in the cardboard roll is twice the size of any other roll

What is needed is a standardization of toilet tissue. Maybe that should be a new cabinet post in our government. Czar of Toilet Paper Standardization. Having a Czar could generate a government standard of one-half inch cardboard tube for the toilet paper. All holes need to be the same and our government can sure see to that.

With standardization, technology could extend into the paper holder itself. We may be unrolling to songs such as “Stop, in the Name of Love”, “We are Family,” or “Wipe Out” from tiny speakers concealed in the paper holder as we attempt to save paper.

So the next time you are stuck with coming up with a gift for that special person who seems to have everything, or you are in a hotly contested political race for town mayor , consider made in America, non-standardized , mostly non recycled toilet paper. It’s the paper you use every day.